Xander Allan

Fare evading effeminate duke.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

@QandA where has Stan Grants’ beard been all my life? Gonna need a halftime orange after this!
#daddystan

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

@QandA where has Stan Grants’ beard been all my life?
Need a halftime orange after this!
#daddystan

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

@abc730 please give that astrophysicist from Canberra his own show! Most passionate man I have ever seen on TV

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

On this day in 1983: Orson Welles caused a mass panic in the continental United States when he read It’s Raining Men as an actual meteorological report

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

@KelloggsUS
Hi I live in Australia and love love love your cornflakes!
Can I ask you a question real quick?

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

Look I love Judas Priest, but of all the albums to use for a St Patrick’s day tankard, BRITISH STEEL would have to be the absolute worst choice. 😬😬😬

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

@judaspriest Hey guys love your work. But of all the albums for a St Patrick’s day mug, BRITISH STEEL probably isn’t the way to go hey?

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

Be kind, many of us are struggling with hidden traumas you can’t see.
To this day I can’t listen to ‘Staying Alive’ withtout hearing the N-trance guy shout ‘get raw with the fever on the dance floor’

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

Me: Hmmm neck’s getting a bit flabby, maybe I’ll buy a skipping rope

FB ads: GET IN THE OCTAGON YOU FUCKING CUCK!!!!!!!!

[Timothy Clark @MrTimothyClark]

The best part of Ozark is that every character thinks the gold coast is a glorious wonderland

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

Every 70s rock band has a song about having sex with a magic woman. And by magic they mean not white.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

SBS transitioned from foreign boobies to just shows about trains so smoothly we didn’t notice.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

When choosing dream dinner guests aim low. Imagine listening to all the great stuff Eleanor Roosevelt did, and then she says “so tell me more about this little cafe”.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

There was a dimension in Sliders where old people couldn’t drink, work or vote and this #libspill got me wishing I was there.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

I’m David Spade in the streets but
Chris Farley in the sheets

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

@DawnPurcell @WtfRenaissance Just gonna stay in and watch Alf, alone, just like every other night.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

Puffins all look like their crush just asked the jock to the prom.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

My favourite thing about myself is my hair because it’s already dead.

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

A schnitzel is its own sandwich

[Xander Allan @crimsonxander]

All I want for Christmas is Leunigs two front teeth.