criticalshrinkingskills

go fund me link in bio for height lengthening surgery

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

So I go “I have a picture of Michael Jackson in my room”
And then Joe goes “what color”

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

@ZachHelfand It just goes to show how powerful community is. It’s really just a show about folks who just live and hangout on the same street and the community they build. It’s like Judaism.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

To figure out what to wear for work, is to build Rome a day.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

All my life I wanted to be 5’5

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

@ZachHelfand I think they need to be roasted with olive oil until crispy and then you add some things like Parmesan cheese

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

I don’t need a class on public speaking I need a class on being more quiet.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

It’s true. Corporate America uses the word “synergy” every 12 seconds. And if they want to refer to something slightly naughty they say “tongue in cheek.”

I have no idea how this phrase got its origin.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

My hair is falling out from work stress. Not to worry though, only 50 more years in the workforce and it’ll grow back! When I’m 72.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

My friend on FaceTime just said he pressed the screen so I’d be in 2x speed.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

I’m not playing music on aux at work anymore. Because I played free bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd and when Allen Collins does his solo everyone was like “this is so intense.” And I’m like, yes that’s the point everyone.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

The people at Trader Joe’s need to not ask me what I’m going to be making with my groceries. I understand that it’s a part of their stick to create small talk, but I’m not interested in sharing what I’m making with my canned corn, ground lean turkey meat and chocolate chips.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

I just saw a 90 year old woman holding a vape. It was a gorgeous, soft shade of butter yellow and I thought to myself “this gal knows class.”

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

What do a male security guard, a police officer, and a freshly new father holding his child all have in common?
They are all scrolling TikTok

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

Finn from glee should have been able to get into a good college. He was the quarterback, lead male singer in glee club, and he thought he impregnated his girlfriend but it turned out to be his best friend’s baby. If that doesn’t make for a good essay, idk what would.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

This was super funny and didn’t get the love it deserved

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

Breaking news: girl only uses one (1) pair of underwear of the 9 she brought “just in case” for her overnight camping trip.

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

When was the last time you blew bubbles in your milk?
In fact, when was the last time you had milk?

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

Corporate life is crazy
#tgif am I right 🤣

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

Like, if something inconvenient happens to be it’d be much cooler to say “oh bullocks” instead of “crap”

[criticalshrinkingskills @crtclshrinking]

id love to be able to say bullocks and it not be weird because im American