Courtney Craft

If I accidentally bump into you, I will say "Ope sorry. Ope excuse me." Furthermore, you will have pop in my home. Not soda.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

"Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to stop being gross for just a second."

-me as a doctor

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Apparently, "If this text interrupted you watching pornhub and you were about to finish, you can do it!", isn't how you message the guy you like.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

I just did my duty as an Ohioan and said the Ohio thing:

"It's so cold out. At least it's not windy though"

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Called ID has existed for many years.

My mom on my voicemail: hey, it's your mom.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

We've been communicating for how long as a human species? And we are still complete horse shit at it.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

The floor is lava

Except it's just America

And everything is lava

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

I could never imagine leading a life that looked so full filling, touched as many people, inspired so many others and still left it on his own terms. A poet in his own right. We didn't deserve Anthony Bourdain.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Me: *enters the same zip code as a poison ivy plant*

Poison ivy: watch this lol

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

The fact that I remember the number for JG Wentworth and not the number for any immediate family or friends, is a cause for concern.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Getting married is just telling each other to "stop doing that irritating thing" for 40 years.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Old man: what's all that rumpus??

Me: *banging together pots and pans giggling* say more old people phrases

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Good cop: I understand this is scary.

Bad cop: scary? You haven't seen scary yet!

*3rd cops enters*

Officer Scary: there's hormones in the water and they make you gay.

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

A little bit of neurotoxin; brain restart
A little bit of cardiotoxin; breaks my heart
Four known species of snake arboreal
Aggressive and territorial
But ha ha ha look what's biting my leg, it's
Mamba number 5

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

If your knees don't snap when you bend down, you're too young for me.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

Me: you're so dramatic.

6: I'm not dramatic, I'm creative.

Narrator: and that's when she realized her job here was done.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

The year is 2030

Person I hate: did you want some vegan cheese substitute on your burger made of synthetic meat?

Me: I'm just gonna eat this plastic bottle instead.

[Comrade Phteven @PhriendlyCody]

Terry Bradshaw is short for Pterodactyl Bradshawshankredemption

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

You know what's weird?

If you catch someone sleeping and wake them up, their immediate reaction is to totally lie about having been asleep.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

People say that say marijuana works for pain, are the same people that say caffeine works for tiredness.

*stoned me*

"It still hurts. But now it hurts AND I'm suddenly really concerned about it."

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

*after smoking weed*

Me: hmm... What to do... I could either eat, or have a panic attack. The possibilities are endless.

[Courtney Craft @csquaredoh]

(text)

Person I consider to be a friend: you can call me if you want.

Me: no thank you.