Dad in Chaos

dad. not interested.
living in chaos

venmo coffee fund: shane83

[Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56]

I read that naps during the day lead to dementia. So I've stopped reading.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Me: I haven’t been able to finish a sentence or a thought in 8 years.

My oldest: Hey, I’m 8!

Me: Imagine that…

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

McDonald’s had me totally wrapped in its powerful clutches during this era.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

[First date]

Me: Tell me about your life insurance policy.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

Giving my kids polygraph tests to see who ate my leftover chili.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Some of us got the talk. Some of us got dropped off at the mall and left to discover the back corner of Spencer's.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

If you survived swing sets in the 80s you can survive anything.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

You want me to trust my gut? The thing that talks me into eating Skyline Chili before boarding a plane?

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My 20s: I’ll change the world.

My 30s: I'll change this load of laundry. Eventually.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My kid, barging into the bathroom: hey mom?

Me, sitting on the toilet: may I have some privacy please?

My kid: oh sure *walks out, leaving the door open*

[Dad in Chaos @DadinChaos]

me: [complaining about the price of groceries I just bought]

also me: [getting a $17 cheeseburger at five guys after paying for said groceries] worth it.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

Thank you for your passive aggressive comment. I loved it so much.

[Dad in Chaos @DadinChaos]

@NotTodayEric This is the one time I agree on a reason for being late. That or an asshole kid making you late.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My kids were bickering and my oldest said he’s going to rip his brother's nipples in half.

Back in my day we just said shut up.

[Dad in Chaos @DadinChaos]

texted my therapist this morning to make an appointment. I ended it with "there's no crisis this time" because I just know he fuckin sighs hard when he sees a text from me.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Saturday is the only weekend day. Everybody knows that.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Welcome to tonight’s episode of So You Think You Can Sleep.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Welcome to today’s episode of Why Did I Weigh Myself.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Not to brag but I was alive when our phones never left the house

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Fine. I will rise, but shining is out of the question.