da_mommy

Tom Brady is a systems quarterback

[greg @greg16676935420]

“NOT dishwasher safe”

You’ll be ok just do your best in there

[da_mommy @damommy7]

Turn my back for 5 minutes and dick Cheney dies??

[da_mommy @damommy7]

but her tummy hurts

[Deconstructed Cachapa @AntiClimaco]

Very disappointed by the symbolism of last night’s dream. Just really obvious, derivative stuff.

[da_mommy @damommy7]

One thing about me is every now and then I’m going to need a very nicely assembled ham and cheese sandwich

[da_mommy @damommy7]

Peanuts in my teeth and nobody told me

[da_mommy @damommy7]

accidentally started a work email chain with “aloha gentlemen” I’m not even in Hawaii

[da_mommy @damommy7]

something about girls who love purple a little too much. can’t be sure

[roro, PhD @fuglibetty]

Okay. time to organise my playdates for the week

[da_mommy @damommy7]

wait is Elons son not named y=mx+b ??

[Witch @Space_Bunzzz]

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

[da_mommy @damommy7]

some are saying I might not have what it takes (I definitely don’t)

[da_mommy @damommy7]

Trump just signed an executive order saying putting hard boiled eggs on salad is hereby punishable by death

[dewey @bisondewey]

no roster no hoes i be high as hell in bed lowballing ppl on facebook marketplace at night

[corb @awshuqs]

dude we’re biting off more than we can chew tonight if you want to pull up

[da_mommy @damommy7]

They don’t talk about chicken joes raw athleticism enough

[da_mommy @damommy7]

When girls aren’t funny I get the ick

[mark normand @marknorm]

If RFK jr saw what I was eating this holiday, he’d have me deported

[Connor Griffin @RealCGriff]

Would love to just grab a beer with this dude

[da_mommy @damommy7]

Nothing scares the shit out of a guy faster than when he comments on your eyes and you respond “thanks I cried them that way”