David DeJohn

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

Have an interview with the post office! I hope I dont completely bomb it. #goingpostal

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

People only follow rules out of obeisance and not altruism. If they could get away with breaking them then they would. #JesusIzWatching

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

Make Skyrim great again!

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

@realDonaldTrump hey, when are you and Emperor Bannon gonna' rebuild that deathstar?

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

The #GOP had a momentary lapse of reason when it decided those with mental illnesses should be able to purchase guns! #SuicideSolution

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

You know, at one time Christianity would have been considered New Age.

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

Petty revenge may make you feel better but in the long run only stands to hurt you. Childish hissy fits help no one.

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

I have idiopathic toe walking but I just tell people I work for the Ministry of Silly Walks.

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

@Juniorstopka Most of them require cocoa butter.

[Chelsea Handler @chelseahandler]

You want you use taxpayers $ to launch a fake invest. into voter fraud? Why not use those taxpayers $ for a psychiatric evaluation. @Potus

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

Give the Donald a chance. Just because he's not listening doesn't mean he can't hear you!

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

Working a part-time job means no matter if you work hard or not you'll always look like an asshole. How am I ever going to impress the DM?

[Duchess Gummybuns @Kathleen_McGee]

When he asks you to sit on his face

[Greg Fitzsimmons @GregFitzShow]

KFC threw a girl out because she had gruesome scars. Worse than the assistant manager and the guy working the deep fry?

[Megan Amram @meganamram]

So awkward - today's the ONE day i forgot to smear my doorpost with lamb's blood

[David DeJohn @david_dejohn]

No, science is not infallible that is why we need it.

[Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn]

Just heard..RIP to one of the sweetest funniest guys in comedy. #johnpinette

[Joey CoCo Diaz @madflavor]

Vapor Hits, Alpha Brain and Green tea.....Puerto Rican Meth!!!

[John Hodgman @hodgman]

Oh! It's almost midnight pacific time and I can't believe I almost forgot to ask you all to watch this Rick Astley video.