𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@fesshole That was “Lick My Turd Cutter” from the album “A Bit Of Rimming” by The Mid-Sex Exclaimers. Out now on the Filthy Perv label.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@fesshole Bob Monkhouse joke: “When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. Well, they're not laughing now.”

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@fesshole Contestant number one, you have two minutes on your chosen specialist subject of “Things That Never Happened”. Your time starts now.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@jk_rowling Am I the only one whose instant reaction to @jk_rowling ’s tweet was: “THERE’S NO LIMIT!!”

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

Dear @BoschUK… Our new dishwasher has a pre-wash cycle that ensures our plates are licked clean before the main cycle starts. Can this be controlled via the HomeConnect app?

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@fesshole And it must have been a bonus when she pulled you off.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

Dear @AffinityWater, Instead of badgering homeowners to do something about a billion litres of water lost over 6 months due to domestic leaks, how about you and all other water companies collectively do something about the ����𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯 litres lost per year by yourselves?

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

Dear @sainsburys … There may be a production issue with your own-brand Tawny Port. This is the second bottle in a row where the cork was so tight I’ve needed to use a plumber’s wrench! No problem for me, but old people (or those with a less well equipped toolbox) would struggle.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@WolfVanHalen I’m disappointed you didn’t choose “Wolfgang Steps”. They’re way more rock ‘n’ roll than any of those others.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

I salute you, @sainsburys and @Morrisons for changing the name of your Chicken Kiev to “Kyiv”. It’s important: “Kiev” is the old Soviet-era spelling; changing to “Kyiv” is a rejection of Russian aggression and imperialism. So, @Tesco and @asda, when will you do the right thing?

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@latin_tutoring

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

It warms my heart that @sainsburys have renamed their own-brand Chicken Kiev to “Kyiv”. This is important - “Kiev” is the old Soviet-era spelling and pronunciation; by changing to “Kyiv” we are rejecting Russian imperialism. Bravo @sainsburys!

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

Erm, @BulbUK - where were you?! You were supposed to install smart meters at my home today between 10am and 2pm, but you didn’t show up and didn’t contact me. I took a day off work and lost a day’s income (about £90) waiting. I’m very annoyed, and expect compensation.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

Dear @Channel4News… Launceston is in Cornwall, not Devon.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@rickygervais They couldn’t have used one of your bath pics. They’re too pornographic.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@OddOtter @Classic_picx And who could forget R2-D2…

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

@NJWebbUK Happy #EdBallsDay !

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

David Williams

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

https://t.co/EHOFGDarEd

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

Watching #loveyourgarden and Frances Tophill shows us the fountain in her water feature. Unfortunately it’s cheap Chinese rubbish with a fake CE mark. This mark is ��China Export”, designed to look like CE but it’s not. This product almost certainly hasn’t passed CE safety tests.

[𝓓𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓭 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓶𝓼 @davidmjwilliams]

It is clear that the CE letters on Frances’ fountain are far too close together to be a real CE mark. Water and electricity are not a good mix; even if this is a low voltage device, do you trust the untested power supply not to let 240V through?