DP

Therefore, send not to know for whom the bell trolls, it trolls for thee.

[DP @davidpiz]

You can take my puns when you pry them from my cold, dead sense of humor.

[Emily Nussbaum @emilynussbaum]

It’s movie night and we’re all wiped out and looking for a low-stakes comedy and/or mystery to watch for movie night... Could be modern or a classic from the 70s, who knows!

P.S. It should be high-quality, we’ve seen some stinkers recently

[Tom Ley @ToLey88]

Aaron Rodgers is at a top secret de-woking facility. He’s in the Wolverine adamantium infusion tank and some nerd scientist is yelling, “We can’t make him any less woke! Nobody can survive this!” and RFK Jr. is just muttering, “more” while chewing a cigar.

[Stefan Smith @TheStefanSmith]

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade.

[leopard print bussy @bigsnugga]

they’re against family planning. they don’t want women to have the autonomy to choose how and when they get pregnant. they want you to do it as soon as u hit puberty

[DP @davidpiz]

@_Zeets Right. I'm sure our fine mayor will send our toughest, brawniest police officers to fight these floods head on!

[Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel]

Seeing an actual mugshot of Trump was the last straw for me. I will not be supporting him.

[Megan Amram @meganamram]

Today was the day Donald trump finally became president

[Mac @GoodPoliticGuy]

Conservatives want you to think murder is an appropriate response to property damage but property damage isn’t an appropriate response to murder.

[fat motorcycle twins truther. theyre not dead @fart]

one of the more mystifying things about trump is he thinks you can fire a dog

[Jon Bois @jon_bois]

honestly all the trash talk against boston gets old after a while. there’s a lot of great stuff there! it’s absolutely up there with queens and philly as one of new york city’s best boroughs

[Tom Ley @ToLey88]

On an eight-hour train ride to Montréal and it’s like 10 times more pleasant than most two-hour flights I’ve been on. Kind of amazing how little the time of journey matters when basic standards of comfort are met.

[Got ‘Em @GotEm_Coach]

Why are they the Suns and not The Sun? They’re not the Miami Heats. There is only one sun in our universe/Phoenix. Is this an Area 51 alien thing?

[David Roth @david_j_roth]

/masses of voters increasingly reject my party's awful ideas and weird candidates "We must at least consider banning or limiting higher education, for the good of the country." https://t.co/VLTzQ2oeG2

[DP @davidpiz]

The Venn Diagram of extremely dehydrated men and men who don’t flush the urinal is a perfect circle.