David Pollock

[Dan Amira @DanAmira]

I used to think the government was bad, but now I think it is good

[chuuch @ch000ch]

i need a girl who:

believes the earth is
⚪️round
🔘flat

and wants to do
⚪️dinner
⚪️netflix
🔘youtube conspiracy videos

at
🔘my mom's house

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

I will fuck this thing https://t.co/srXk2VvrpP

[an pigeon @imskytrash]

why doesn't McDonald's have a sad meal

[Red Panda @RedPandasDaily]

Not sure what he's doing but here he is folks (via respanlove on ig)

[ming oh @ming_0h]

成都(청두)의 새끼 래서판다들. ㅎㅎㅎ 사람들만 보면 저렇게 앵겨붙네 ㅎㅎㅎ 귀여워!!

[Wyoming (MN) Police @wyomingpd]

Now go onto our timeline and read the first word of each tweet…you’re welcome. #PublicSafetyMessagesWithStyle #BSB

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Me - wyd
Gf - watching TV in my underwear 😉
Me - why is there a TV in your underwear

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

[several onions @Amusitr0n]

Nurse (taking my blood at the donation clinic): For the last time this is not a ritual and I will not wear a veil

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

"Daddy, I wanna be like you when I grow up"

"You better hope your mother doesn't hear you say that"

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

My niece just said "Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!" Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

[sandy draws comics @skimcasual]

Having a baked open face western bao for dinner! Love westerner's food 😋 so ancient and mysterious.

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

heres my playlinst,