Sara Brady

@Devonsara

Freelance prod/planner for ITV London News. Assume views are mine rather than my employer's.

London

Joined April 2012

1.8K Following

560 Followers

1.4K Posts

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Ella

@EllasArchive1

26 days ago

My Husband Joined a Gym to Get Fit. Three Weeks Later, the Gym Called Me to Ask If He Was Still Alive. My husband, Kevin, announced one Monday morning that he was going to transform his body. “I’m tired of being out of shape,” he said, standing in front of the mirror and sucking in his stomach. I nodded supportively. “That’s wonderful, babe.” He looked at me suspiciously. “Why are you smiling?” “I’m happy for you.” “You think I can’t do it?” I immediately stopped smiling. “Of course you can!” He signed up for a gym membership that same afternoon, bought $180 worth of workout clothes, two pairs of sneakers, a water bottle the size of a fire extinguisher, and enough protein powder to feed a small village. The following morning, he woke me up at 5 AM. “Babe, I’m going to the gym!” I looked at the clock. “Are you sure you’re my husband?” He ignored me and left. When he returned, he was sweating, breathing heavily, and walking like his legs had filed for divorce. “How was it?” I asked. He dropped onto the couch. “Brutal. Absolutely brutal.” I smiled. “That’s good. No pain, no gain.” He looked at me. “Who invented that saying? I just want to talk to him.” For the next four days, he went to the gym religiously. On Friday, however, he came home and announced that he needed a rest day. On Saturday, he said his muscles needed recovery. On Sunday, he said even God rested on the seventh day. I reminded him that God didn’t pay $60 a month for a gym membership. He told me to mind my business. I did. Until Monday morning. THREAD 2/3 On Monday, Kevin woke up at 5 AM again. I watched him get dressed. He put on his gym clothes, filled his enormous water bottle, packed a towel, and kissed me goodbye. “Today, I’m going to destroy this workout.” “Please don’t destroy anything. We have a deductible.” He left. Two hours later, I received a phone call. It was a woman from the gym. “Hello, is this Kevin’s wife?” My heart skipped. “Yes. Is everything okay?” She hesitated. “We just wanted to check whether Kevin is feeling alright.” I sat upright. “Why? What happened?” She lowered her voice. “Well, he came in this morning, sat on a bench for about forty minutes, then asked one of our trainers whether watching other people exercise burns calories.” I covered my mouth. She continued. “Then he went to the smoothie bar, ordered a protein shake, and told another member he was taking a strategic recovery day.” I was already crying with laughter. “I’m sorry,” I managed to say. “Is he still there?” “Yes. He’s currently explaining to the receptionist why he deserves a membership discount because he hasn’t used the treadmill much.” I hung up and immediately called my husband. “BABE! THE GYM JUST CALLED!” Silence. Then he asked, “What did you tell them?” “Nothing. I told them you were a very committed athlete.” He sighed with relief. “Thank you. Finally, someone understands me.” I nearly dropped my phone.

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Graham Linehan

@Glinner

4 months ago

He better be in a fucking male ward

32K

Sara Brady

@Devonsara

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