B E A K S T E A M

[Ned Middles @NedMiddles1]

DANA CARVEY always felt like the most deranged SNL cast member. I can't imagine anyone else coming up with a character like MASSIVE HEAD WOUND HARRY. He's the greatest.

[Jake Fitzsimons @JakeFitzsimons]

Clever goat using incense to relieve nasal irritation from an affliction of some sort.

[🏴based opossum🏴🚬 @CrustPunk161]

You can smoke closer to gas pumps than they lead you to believe

[Sooh | @AbisoyeOfLagos]

Ray Liotta casually telling Rich Eisen live on air that his prized Goodfellas poster is a fake is hilarious.

Rich Eisen: Okay, our stage manager's coming. That's it, you've taken it off the wall.

Ray Liotta: Yeah, it's not my signature.

Rich Eisen: What do you mean it's not your signature?

Ray Liotta: This is not my signature, buddy. You got ripped off.

Rich Eisen: No, I didn't. Don't kid me.

Ray Liotta: I don't do a frowny like that and I don't cross it, so that is not your...

Rich Eisen: Because it's signed by you, De Niro, and Pesci, and I spent at least four figures on this thing.

Ray Liotta: Get out of here, yes, you're a sucker.

There is no way you recover your dignity after getting exposed like that on your own show, and honestly I would simply walk out into traffic if I found out I spent four figures on a fugazi.😩

[Mark @AgingRanchHand]

In a huge argument with my gastroenterologist right now. I say that the gold wrapping on Modelo bottles is edible and he's got some X-rays that say it's not

[🅱️askerville @WB_Baskerville]

I heard someone say yesterday that if they had the one wish willow from Obsession they’d wish that cigarettes were good for you. I remain astounded by their Christlike love for all mankind.

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

The ‘SPACEBALLS’ cinematic universe has been revealed.

[Bilim Dünyası @dunyasalbilim]

Bilim insanları, ilk kez bir sperm hücresinin yumurtayı döllediği anı saniye saniye görüntülemeyi başardı.

[Maia Bittner @maiab]

the new golden handcuffs is grandfathered in permission to work remotely

[Jack @HoeannaNewsom]

Me to the taco bell cashier

[ᐱ ᑎ ᑐ ᒋ ᕮ ᒍ @Andr3jH]

"My contention is that prior to the Trojan war, the political structures of the Greek kingdoms, especially in the island territories could most aptly be characterized as...

Ofc that's your contention. You're a young aristocrat who just finished listening to some wandering poet, probably that hack from Pylos. You'll be convinced of that until next month when you hear the bard from Sparta. Then you'll be taking about how the kingdoms of Mycenae and Thebes were models of divine rulership back in our grandfathers' time. That will last until next year when you're back to regurgitating Mentor's speeches about the sacred bonds between king and people and the divine right of succession.

"Well as a matter of fact I won't because Mentor completely overlooks the importance of...

"Mentor completely overlooks the importance of the council of elders in tempering royal authority, especially in matters of inheritance..." you got that from Halitherses' speech at last year's spring festival, right? Yeah, I heard that too. Were you going to plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or is that your thing. You come to a feast, quote some elder, and pawn it off as your own idea to impress Penelope and embarrass my son Telemachus?"

[Kattoo King @SimplyKattoo]

The alcohol in a martini should be enough to kill the parasite in my ceasar salad, and then I'll pair it with fries, which are safe

[Jeff Timmer @jefftimmer]

Fun Fact: The President of the goddam United States paid nearly $6 million in damages today to a woman he raped. Once upon a time, this would have been the only news you heard.

[Nugs @Nugjokes]

Lowkey would not know if I had the Diarrhea parasite or not

[Joe Pompliano @JoePompliano]

Erling Haaland has returned to Norway, and it looks like he brought home a $750 Whiskey Raccoon from Wild Bill's Western Store in Dallas, Texas. What an authentic piece of American culture.

[Boring Milner @BoringMilner]

I used to think I couldn’t be swayed by advertising, but this World Cup has given me the urge to buy a barrel of crude oil from Saudi Aramco.

[XBradTC @xbradtc]

If your name is Sarah and you’re not telling people it’s short for Triceratops, what are you even doing with your life?

[maya @mayaviatwitta]

we’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it

[James Tate @JamesTate121]

I think women should decide what to do with Mitch McConnell's body since he decided what to do with theirs.

[Aaron Parnas @AaronParnas]

This image is from today. A Black woman sits on the DC metro as masked white nationalists prepare to march on our nation's capital.

This is America's 250th anniversary. REUTERS/Cheney Orr