400 hour milly thompson lockdown

25. woman in stem. now a woman in leaf. Now im in the roots... im escaping to the water table im let out

[bergs @aseriousmang]

why, yes, I listen to “intelligent dance music,” “sophistipop,” “progressive rock,” and, of course, “ska for geniuses”

[largest rodent @capybaroness]

this guy was hand-designed by god to toss James Bond across a room into some cabinets

[wearing dr suess hat and looking into your windows @necrobranson]

Trying to avoid eye contact with my wife this Saturday morning as she has a big exclamation point quest giver mark over her head

[SpiriᛏualWarrior @solisteres]

Vintage Gunne Sax prairie dress 👗

A romantic 1970s - 80s classic defined by lace trim, puffed sleeves, flowing skirts and victorian-inspired details, blending frontier, medieval and cottagecore charm

[FakeAssCherylLynn @bigfairee]

Akon really opened that Gwen Stefani song with WOOHOO! YEEEHOO!

[beef clapton: soldier of fortune @thetrompwner]

(beaming with pride): one 24oz beer to drink on the bus please

cashier: i told you man you don't gotta tell me where you're drinking it

[mir.i.am #PrayForSnooki @moll11y]

They need to expand Make A Wish for people who have eczema

[abcdent @abcdentminded]

I always said that Genius Dot Com should only show you two thirds of the lyrics and then make your phone really hot, it's so cool that they're willing to listen to their users' ideas

[Dr. R. J. Vein @VeinRichard]

The year is 207🙂(pronounced twenty seventy smile). Grins are the new currency. While it may seem that the forces of gladness run this world, it's said that a secret frowning circle is burgeoning beneath the surface, promising to change everything. Which side will you choose?

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[police sketch artist interrupts me] large naturals?

[ash @ashleyeleanor]

5yo just told me the promotional reel playing in the cheese department at the grocery store is the best movie she’s ever seen. May have overdone it on the no screens thing

[Berwyn Choobs @sabatonfan69]

Dentists be like hello I am your dentist and this is my harem

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

“wait a second… Heat rises” (it hits me) “heat rises!”

Bank teller on floor: what?

“Heat rises!”

(I rush at the armed robber and he shoots me in the face killing me instantly. It’s unclear what my plan was)

[BlueJay, Tianqiao Star of #pinkytwt @them_failure]

Dealer: Got that noble and righteous pack for ya, just be safe with it, okay?

Me: Dude I live for cruelty and my heart is closed to the world I’ll be fine

1 hour later

*through tears* I have to save everyone

[Liam @LegoRacers2]

Yorkshire farmer watching the Roundheads cut through the Royalists at Marston Moore:

[a @liluzic3nt]

ive seen her tits but CV is where she draws the fucking line

[Benny Feldman @Feldfrog]

You should be able to do friendly fire in chess. This pawn is in the goddamn way of my master plan

[coleman spilde @colemanjspilde]

me as the photographer: okayyyy great i know that was a bumpy car ride ladies but we’ve finally made it to the ugliest place in the world at high noon! just as i envisioned. everyone line up. the camera battery is dying and i did NOT bring an extra charger so we have one shot