Dan Flashes

If you’ve made it this far it’s time to close the app.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Just saw a teenager riding a bike with no hands on the handlebars while FaceTiming. They were however wearing a helmet. What a curious generation.

[NFL @NFL]

An effective QB with a strong passing AND rushing game... @JoshAllenQB can really do it all 💪

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Can’t wait for all the heavy sleepers to wake up and pretend they felt the earthquake.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Stop interviewing coaches mid game. #NFL

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

If someone eggs your house nowadays then you must of deserved it.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Using my old knife set to open my new knife set is like having to bury your own grave.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Doing push-ups everyday with my daughter on my back so when she’s in high school I’ll look like the Rock.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Some may not know that Chuck Mangione is in fact a real musician and not just a musician in the King of the Hill cinematic universe.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

The magic of Christmas comes from kids.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

This is the Super Bowl for local Meteorologists.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Twitter doesn’t matter stop acting like it does.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

My grandma calling me the day after I visit just to tell me how precious my daughter is a good moment.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

People at Disney World will buy an overpriced T shirt that is 2 sizes too small and put it on before they leave the shop.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

@ItsMeDarrell @BEASTYcollector @Phinfanalyst @JoshAllenGOD @ProFootballTalk The sun doesn’t move

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Mens clothing is wild. I’ve lost 50 pounds and all of my clothes besides the waist fit the exact same.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

@btothe_d Hey, do you still have 2 available?

[Barack Obama @BarackObama]

Across the country, parents are putting their children to bed, reading stories, singing lullabies—and in the back of their minds, they’re worried about what might happen tomorrow after they drop their kids off at school, or take them to a grocery store or any other public space.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Objective reality is becoming a thing of the past.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Always get rid of the lettuce from a leftover sub. No exceptions.

[Dan Flashes @dlofoy]

Don’t buy your kid toys that ring like a phone. It’s not comforting when it goes off randomly in the night.