Erasmo Peregrine

I drink and RT. Don't do those drugs, they're mine. Disclaimer: I'm not funny, I'm a terrible person, and I will disappoint you.

[Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13]

Listen up, I brought some Smirnoff Ice Watermelon Mimosas over and I just wanna talk this out like men.

[Felix Felicis @LuckoftheDraw86]

The idiot is strong within this one.

*Darth Vader gestures to his youngest son, Jeff*

[tazz @noneofyours99]

Hold on officer, I have to finish this tweet

[Cabo 🍳🇺🇸 @Shot_Of_Cabo]

Relationship status: Licking my musky armpit to remember what you tasted like.

[Johnny Castle @BlueDream_2008]

I was a pre-cum baby, that's what my dad said.

[Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch]

The worst thing about Medieval Times was the lack of cutlery. Oh, and the Black Death.

[Erasmo Peregrine @DoggingNinja]

17 year olds are kept awake at night by fantasies of finally being old enough to follow your 18+ account.

[Cabo 🍳🇺🇸 @Shot_Of_Cabo]

My feminine side is a 6'04" ham fisted tranny with a five o'clock shadow and gnarled tree root in her pants.

[Erasmo Peregrine @DoggingNinja]

People named Melba don't find it anywhere near as funny as you'd think when your first words to them are "Oh, like the toast?"

[Bread John @Breadery]

I've never been to a funeral that couldn't have been improved with sombreros.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Well well well, if isn't the girl who gave me cooties in third grade...

[Dreadlock Nostrils @GeorgiaBruh]

Sorry I started a "slut" chant at your ultrasound.

[OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_]

The instruction manual for Sandra's new blender told her to 'Depress the start button," and she's been calling it shit names for 30 minutes.

[Pedro @CrackedIllusion]

Dear Santa,
I'd like a pair of striped tube socks, a dick the socks barely cover, and to be invisible to talkative people.

Love, Pedro.

[Erasmo Peregrine @DoggingNinja]

I was going to tweet some lyrics then I realised I'm not an angsty teenage girl so I drank some whiskey instead.

[Maebe Marbles @maebemarbles]

Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

[OneFunnyMummy @OneFunnyMummy]

I'm not perfect.
Sometimes I have really bad posture.

[Jillian @breatheandlove]

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can't get the gummy bears to sit up straight.