Things Drunk Ppl Say

Don't remember what you said in the cab last night? I do

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

@AnshumatiSharma Clearly glued on coffee beans. Come on.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

@comedybillie I feel like I have to fart now.

[The Billie Show @comedybillie]

When I say keep your walking farts to yourself, I mean it! Sorry Twitter fans, I've got a code red serial stalker on my hands. Let's all give a round of applause for the Harvard graduate who can't afford internet. #comedybillie #comedy #instagram #drunkladies #drunkdrama #funday

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

Customer: "You ever worry about getting raped?"
Me: "You ever worry about going to jail?"

#cabridefromhell #taxi #cablife #drunk

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

"Why don't you just go to your room and die like you should have in the womb!" -Mother to her drunk 20 something child #wow #drunk

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

"Don't tell me your life fucking sucks. My belly button attracts flies." #drunk #wtf

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

"YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN AND I'M AFRAID OF CLOWNS, GET OFF THE PROPERTY!" -Bouncer @ Club There

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

"There better be a fuckin poptart in the room or someones getting raped."

[Your Friend Rashad 🧸🪴 @OptimusGrind__]

#GirlsLikeitWhen you're educated and have goals, no woman wants someone thats not doing something with their life.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

#IDidntTextYouBackBecause wtf am I supposed to say to lol when I hate your face? I mean, my phone died.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

"Can I piss on your radiator if I give you $40?" #drunk

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

"I don't know what I'm doing but I know someone shit your pants." #partyeveryday

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

Take me to where you can get jacked up and off at the same place! #thatdrunk

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

I like ginger ale, ginger beer, gingerbread, even Ginger spice, but not gingers.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

This bitch said she wouldn't fuck me cuz she thinks I'm disgusting so I told her I'd beat the fuck out of her.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

There's squid porn. But no calamari porn. Fail.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

If you have a droid and autocorrect, "I need a snack" can easily become "I need anal" and apparently it's faster than me. #autocorrectfail

[Lita @funnylita]

Hair above lips is a mustache. Hair above pussy lips should be a pusstache. Hair above a dick should be in the trash can.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

#ItsNotOkayTo Turn off Eminem to play Dave Matthews band. Ever.

[Things Drunk Ppl Say @drunksaywhat]

You turned off Eminem for Dave FUCKING Matthews band? The only ass you're getting tonight is when the toilet paper rips! #Truethat