Dr. Elisa v2.015

I'm probably jetlagged.
PhD.
Collector of jars filled with balls.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

Given this week, this is appropriate.

[Cooper Lawrence @CooperLawrence]

Why doesn’t 50 Cent just go on tour with Nickelback and call the tour “45 Cents” my god do I have to think of everything?

[Sherri Unfiltered™ @FFT1776]

Animal shelter security footage captured a scared dog with a large St Bernard.

I had a St Bernard and this is exactly how loving they are❣️

I’d adopt them both!

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@Rainmaker1973 @jasmineweidenb1 This is the equivalent of my husband refusing to make two trips to bring in the groceries.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@EastEndJoe @ScottsHusband Ooooh, I'm so scared of this "murderer" driving his family in a minivan... no due process, eh?

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@DocAtCDI It was for snow white

[RC deWinter @RCdeWinter]

Catholic Terminology

AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE Holy Smoke!

JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE When your kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@mattxiv That would entail adding "brown" to the white foundation.

[Jay 💙 @JazzyJ87283918]

Whenever Trump says,
“ I know nothing about it.”
He knows everything about it.

Whenever Trump says,
“I know everything about it.”
He knows nothing about it.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

Trump: America, you can grab her by the pussy and she'd let you.

Congress: Yep.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

American airlines chief operations officer should be fired. The operations at AA have declined in the last 2 years, impacting customers and business clients. No accountability on their declining commitment to their customers.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

American airlines continues to decline on performance, ranking the lowest among large carriers for on-time departures. Case in point, my third trip this week and every single one of my flights on AA is delayed more than 1 hour. Time to start using Delta Air (ranks #1)

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

Just attended a gun show where there's a preponderance of religious beliefs mixed among the artillery. Kind of like these people are using their anal beads as rosaries.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@GregAbbott_TX Set to receive from whom? The feds?

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

Growing old is ironic. Women are dry due to ask the bodily fluids being directly to hot flash sweats.

Men become bald because they're growing hair every where else.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@Pezzamystic1 You don't inject botox into lips, you inject hyaluronic acid.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

@_sn_n @MollyJongFast Logo was predicting Trump fucking Pence.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

When a man wears pink, I think he's identifying with feminists or he lacks laundry skills.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

Until death, do we partyyyyyyyy.

Marriage in a nut shell.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

"Until death, do we part" accounts for the majority of murders by spouse.

[Dr. Elisa v2.015 @e21_2007]

You have to have impeccable timing to be a waiter. For example, you have to ask a question as soon as the patron stuffs a bite into his mouth.