Elliot Foster Smith

Comedian, writer, knife-thrower, sleight-of-hand mortician, one-man flash mob originally from Pittsburgh.
Lather, Rinse, Retweet.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

I can stress anything enough. I have no limits.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@AgathaChocolats Some snakes are literally yellow snakes.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@LucasSa56947288 I'm saying it right now and so does literally everyone. I'll switch over when this becomes the "everything app."

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@sedatesnail Remember when being watched pooping was a choice? I guess I'm dating myself. #cheugylife

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

95% of uncles who "steal" kids' noses with their fingers as a bit never return them. Don't even get me started on the statistics on quarters grandfathers find in kids' ears.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@sedatesnail Is there a readout for people who like vibes more than numbers?

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but 2-dimensional chess is the normal kind. I know that Star Trek invented 3-dimensional chess (3 chess boards on 3 heights, but everyone keeps iterating 1 dimension higher and none of these people can even visualize what they're talking about

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

When British people say "the media is falling apart" it sounds like good news and the Earth is safe because they say "the meteor is falling apart". What a silly way to talk. I bet there are other good examples of this. Let me know.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

#idbuzzlightside #volkswagen give a van to @GLucasTalkShow already. What are you trying to prove?

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

If you tell me I need to play my DVD of That's My Bush! Instead of streaming it, you're essentially punching me in the dick and telling me that everyone who shoots someone in the next hour is justified. That's on you, now!

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

So, like, are snakes just doing the #sloppyswish all the time? I think I might respect snakes now.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@SenBillCassidy This guy is a liar and a stooge.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@Adrastia7 If a song was recorded 5 years ago, it can still be nominated this year because it was released this year.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@Adrastia7 They wrote their own songs and what makes you think modern artists don't use AI? In this case, they only separated the piano and vocal tracks with AI, they didn't create anything that wasn't already written and performed by humans. A song is a song.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@RiversLover94 Am I missing something here? So you're telling them the Beatles deserve this Grammy but then are they annoying and look back at you or are they looking at you annoyingly (a different word altogether)? Also are you saying this or is a hypothetical person saying it?

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@sedatesnail After reviewing your application, we here at @efsmith hereby approve of your joke. Thank you for playing. We eagerly await further submissions

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

In 1965, scientists at the University of Florida developed a list of every color that doesn't occur in nature. Since then they've created a flavor of @Gatorade for each one of them

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@RainyMrGab Classic bothuation

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@RonDicker you said Tom Brady won 7 super bowls. He's only won 6. The Pittsburgh Steelers require that you make this correction and stop sucking the furthest edge of Tom Brady while literally lying to the masses. It's 6 super bowls. Ask anyone.

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@EarwQrm @shim10001 @TIME Shit source. Nice try, fuckhead

[Elliot Foster Smith @efsmith]

@EarwQrm @sayhijenna @shim10001 @ObserverUSA @TIME I don't know what rabbit holes you have to go down to know about Ashley Babbit incest facts, but I'll leave those to you. This is all fictional so either that is too, or you're an asshole creep for putting them in the same breath.