Elnathan John

Satirist |L⃥i⃥a⃥r⃥Lawyer |Book 1: |Book 2: |Book 3: | Book 4: Loading...

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

Oh shit. The Financial Times talks about my book. I need to call my mummy. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[Financial Times @FT]

Becoming Nigerian by Elnathan John — rich satire https://t.co/x47ZBDidFD

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

I wish I could just listen to songs. I am listen to Stormzy’s One Second and I hear the line: “all these early premonitions of my death”. And the editor in me kicks in. Are the premonitions early? Or are they premonitions of your early death? You will die. And premonitions aren’t exactly abnormal. So what is he trying to say? That people think he will die early? Or that people are already talking about his death now which they should only do later. If the former then that line should be: “all these premonitions of my early death”. But if the latter then the question is, do you not want early premonitions? Or you think the premonitions should come later? What is the right time for premonitions? I need @stormzy to answer.

[Manuela Schwesig @ManuelaSchwesig]

Die Lage ist sehr ernst und es kommt morgen auf jede Stimme an. Ich bitte Sie: unterstützen Sie mich bei der morgigen Landtagswahl und geben Sie beide Stimmen der SPD. Ich danke Ihnen.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

@RediTlhabi You used to bite people? 🤣

[Chidi Anselm Odinkalu, CGoF @ChidiOdinkalu]

When I was at the @NhrcNigeria there was the incident in which security forces killed over a dozen young men at night in a building in Apo, Abuja & branded them terrorists.

It turned out they lied against the dead. It took work by the Commission to grant the young men posthumous exoneration & their families, closure & compensation.

When you find 37 young people dead suddenly in a detention facility, the 1st thing is not to pronounce them a bunch of illegals. It takes complicity, cover-up or criminality to do that.

I now understand all the dead in this matter have already & hurriedly been buried. There has been no inquiry. The Governor has already convicted them. They are not in a position to defend themselves.

The families of these dead victims, say that when @official_NSCDC arrested them, each family were told to go and bring 500k each to bail their child.

Earlier today, @official_NSCDC personnel in Minna reportedly turned their guns on protesters approaching the NSCDC command HQ in Minna, the Niger State capital.

It is callous for the Governor of Niger State to announce without inquiry or investigation, that these victims are "illegal miners".

Indeed, under the Coroner's Act, when a death happens in a detention centre, a coroner's inquiry is mandatory & the dead cannot be buried without a court order. When 37 are found dead in detention, the obligation of investigation & inquiry is unavoidable.

But that is what @HonBago wants to avoid.

Let's be clear: what this Niger State Governor has done is unlawful. In all likelihood it is also criminal.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

German elections have produced some hilarious gems. Especially “Die Mutter vom Kutter” and “Frau gegen blau” in reference to Minister President of Mecklenburg-Vorpommern Manuela Schwesig who is likely to win elections Sunday.
Who says Germans can’t be funny?

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

In the essay, Notes For Young Writers Annie Dillard writes: "Never, ever, get yourself into a situation where you have nothing to do but write and read. You’ll go into a depression. You have to be doing something good for the world, something undeniably useful; you need exercise, too, and people."

I felt this during the pandemic. There was little else to do but read and write and I could not write anything useful during that period. I also felt it during a long residency in Italy where I was mostly isolated and found that I could not create anything new except edit older work. It was quite depressing.
I need to see life being lived, and to live it fully, to find inspiration for new stories. I need to dance, to banter with people outside my class, to observe humans unlike me who aren't performing class-curated politeness. I need the tug and push of life, and that never happens when reading and writing are the only things left to do. Public places feed me: train stations, airports, clubs... the primal behavior of people at parties with no fancy coat check, no tightly controlled guest list.

This may explain why writers who reach a certain level of celebrity and grow isolated start writing the same narrow set of things: interiority, other writers, gatherings where everyone performs as some kind of philosopher or artist. These are the only rooms left to them, rooms full of fellow intellectuals engaged in a kind of mutual masturbation, far from anything gritty or messy. Once the streets are closed to you, once regular people and regular things fall out of reach, it shows in the stories you tell, or even think to tell.

[MAB Observer @MABobserver]

🇩🇪 Le chancelier allemand Friedrich Merz :

« Aucun hôpital, aucune maison de retraite, aucun chantier, aucun restaurant, aucun hôtel ne pourrait fonctionner aujourd’hui sans les immigrés qui vivent en Allemagne depuis des décennies, qui y travaillent et qui sont pleinement intégrés à la société.

Nous voulons que ces personnes fassent partie de notre pays. C’est pourquoi l’hostilité envers les étrangers n’a pas sa place en Allemagne. »

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

What is going on with Portuguese Grok?

[Grok @grok]

@jarnolari @RaphaelMemes A paciente tem uma raba gigante. O raio-X deixa bem clara a silhueta dos glúteos bem volumosos na região pélvica.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

@forakin 🤣🤣🤣

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

Very often I think of this school I saw in Abuja while doing cultural reporting for a magazine many, many years ago.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

@jh_barnett Yes. Agreed.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

"The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience."
— Arthur Schopenhauer

[Judith Dada @DadaJudith]

Free healthcare.
Free childcare.
Berlin Spätis.
Free education @TU_Muenchen @cdtm_munich
Oktoberfest.
Bio everything.
Bikeable cities.
Hidden champions in cities you have never heard of.
The alps.
Christmas markets.
@edeka_gmbh.
That grumpy neighbour who has every single tool and always helps out.
Culture of remembrance.
Public transport @BVG_Kampagne.
@dm_drogerie.
@isaraerospace @bfl_ai @HelsingAI @FlixBus and @MarvelFusion
Children walking to school by themselves.
Käsespätzle.
@MUC_Airport.
Nice parks.
Our police force.
BioNTech.
Leitungswasser.
Sprudelwasser.
FKK.
Good Döner.
Did I mention @dm_drogerie.

„It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.“ - Charles Dickens

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

"A partial eclipse is very interesting. It bears almost no relation to a total eclipse. Seeing a partial eclipse bears the same relation to seeing a total eclipse as kissing a man does to marrying him, or as flying in an airplane does to falling out of an airplane." - from Total Eclipse by Annie Dillard

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

AI is helping scammers become so much more prolific. Every single day I get a scam email from someone in a Book Club who wants to discuss "opportunities". Or a festival. Or they found a book of mine "intriguing" (complete with a too-clean summary of the book) and want to discuss further collaboration. Every single day. You can immediately tell that the email was automated and that they are probably using an agent to send out dozens or more emails every day.

So annoying.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

“My success has nothing to do with me; it's not remarkable that could write, and write well; I was trained as a writer...But success is absolutely random, the race is not to the swift... I lived with starving, struggling writers for years and years and I know lots of them were at least as good as me. It is all so random..."- Annie Dillard

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

When Africans jump into the 400 years of slavery US conversation, I remind them that there are black Africans being traded as slaves today in a few North African countries by Arabs (and fellow black Africans). Not because the other conversation is not important, but because fewer people care when the victims have no cultural power and visibility. Because the victims are mostly poor Africans trying to find a better life and don't have the advantage of coming from a country with imperial power, their story is told in footnotes.

I did a project some years ago telling the story of migrants who attempt the journey from many parts of Africa through the deserts of the Sahel and North Africa and on the seas to Europe, doing this through WhatsApp messages sent by the migrants as they make their journey. To prepare for this I read many actual messages and stories of those who braved death in deserts, through mountainous regions and on the deadly seas in vessels that were less than seaworthy. I read stories of forced labour in camps in north Africa, summary executions of the weak and sick (or those who tried to escape bondage), sexual abuse of (most) of the women, and slave camps where people are sold like cattle. There are many national and international agencies who try to stop this slavery and human trafficking but unfortunately this is a thing that keeps happening on an alarming scale.

There are agents on the black African side and the Arab side who make this despicable trade in humans keep happening. A few of those black Africans who were once traded themselves manage to buy themselves out and some become agents to these slave traders and human traffickers.

A couple of writers argue against using the term slavery to describe what is going on in North Africa. They have called it debt bondage, ransom trafficking, and forced labor (tied to smuggling debts) among other terms. For me this framing dispute is not worth my time and helps no one in tackling the real issue. It looks like slavery, sounds like slavery, acts like slavery. It is slavery. And it is a damn shame how little attention it gets and how little political will there is to end this practice.

[Elnathan John @elnathan_john]

Sheriff Grady Judd's press conferences and public statements are always hilarious, even when the crimes he is describing are disturbing.