em

call me smeagle

[who cares @DianaG2772]

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

[em @emm_stee]

@BustangOutrider Will this affect the 3:15 union station to Craig 11/19 running today??

[Drewberz @buddy_ferrara]

I miss Tipper 😭

[fooler initiative @metroadlib]

There was a woman who worked at my job a few years ago who went on vacation to Europe. She'd saved up a bunch of days and was gone for a month.

When she came back she tendered her resignation. No notice. Just bounced.

Listen to me--
Iconic.

Her triumph is now office lore.

[David Hogg 🟧 @davidhogg111]

No parent should drop their kid off at school and then need a DNA test to ID which child is their child because they have been blown to pieces by an AR 15

[Emma Ketchum @emmaketchup7]

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

[Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation @OKWildlifeDept]

Listen,

bear spray
DOES NOT
work like bug spray.

We would like to not have to say that again.

[Debra Raab 🐰 @rayvnnray]

So what if a 16 year old tried to adopt a baby? She can't, she's not mature or financially stable enough to adopt a baby. But if she's pregnant, she has to raise that baby. Tell me how this makes sense.
#RoeVWadeprotest

[gabryella @gkushbaby]

a party, but everyone brings potatoes prepared a different way

[shelby wolstein @ShelbyWolstein]

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

[kristofer thomas @kristoferthomas]

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

[caramel marijuana @thenotoriouscma]

me after a major depressive episode of ghosting absolutely everyone even myself for months

[chase @cfree94]

hang this photo in the louvre

[lea chin-sang @bigfatmoosepssy]

Stranger Things better release that damn season cause half those kids turn 39 next year

[JANTSEN @jantsenmusic]

Just to reiterate : EVEN THO THE SHOW IS CANCELED I WOULD HIGHLY SUGGEST GOING TO THE AFTER PARTY BECAUSE I WILL BE THERE AND MIGHT SLIP AND FALL AND ACCIDENTALLY PLAY MUSIC