Jared Paul

Fund-devo professional, travelling cook (avail for contract, LMK) & uncle/manny. Canner of gourmet sauces. TTITD )'( 🔥

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@PopBase You don't have to be careful, you just have to be funny. Relying on jokes at the expense of someone with less power than you indicates a lack of creativity and wit.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@Apple you make it absolutely impossible to cancel subscriptions. You are the worst.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

In tears. #trans #cisallies
https://t.co/BQCiLtM68W

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@elonmusk Go fuck yourself, Elon. You will never have the guts as Fauci or make an impact like Fauci.

[Duolingo @duolingo]

Poop jokes aren't my favorite jokes. But they're a solid #2.

Giveaway ends tomorrow at 11:59 PM EST. Link in bio.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@JoeStrazzles 💩

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@AviancaEscucha Sounds great! I sent the details you requested. Thank you again.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@AviancaNAM @Avianca I cannot get anyone at Avianca to answer my messages. Ugggh. It's been 7 weeks!

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@AviancaEscucha Great! I just sent a DM. Obrigada

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@Reuters Are people taking it out of context? Yes. Are the jokes and memes hilarious though? OMG yes.

[Joe Strazzullo @JoeStrazzles]

I guess Twitter is maybe toast so I’m posting my top 3 unpublished drafts.
1. The Five People You Meat Loaf in Heaven (from when Meat Loaf died)
2. Invisalign for toes (definitely something here)
3. Earthquake! (was saving for a big earthquake)

[Hana Michels (same on all platforms) @HanaMichels]

My son, Elon Musk, used to punch classmates’ boners because he was jealous of the boners.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

I get that we're supposed to leave Twitter but meh.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

lolz. IDK maybe 5th time is the real charm.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

I've decided to Tweet again. Tweet, tweet.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@StrictLiable @PadmaLakshmi Aaaaaactually not so much. Being able to connect with other senators to build mutual interest is not the sexy scene most people imagine as unfolding like a scene from Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. It's done in senators' offices, on the phone, on Zoom. It's tedious and boringAF.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@IsaacArshav @ThumblessGrasp @PadmaLakshmi It's literally different. If 45 was the survivor of a stroke, even more so a *recent* survivor of a stroke, no one would be calling him out on his inability to communicate like a professional.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

@HMAGA_GOPer @PadmaLakshmi Bail Reform isn't so much about helping "violent thugs" as much as it's about stopping predatory lending to poor people, specifically the families of people who've been arrested.

[Jared Paul @epicuridusk]

You'd think that by now I'd stopped being surprised. But no, I remain pretty surprised that Dr fucking Oz is a serious contender to win a seat in the U.S. Senate. God I hate us sometimes.

[Padma Lakshmi @PadmaLakshmi]

A lot of y'all are telling on yourselves by being more concerned with the way a person recovering from a stroke *speaks* than their actual policies.

Fetterman is pro-choice, pro-bail reform, and one of the most inspiring candidates we've seen in years.
https://t.co/2pirslLoW4

[Joe Strazzullo @JoeStrazzles]

Biden should lean all the way in and make his 2024 slogan “YES WE CANNABIS”