it's me

rapid evan movement

[it's me @evanlocal]

I'm doing the Lord's work. Lord Farquaad that is. I want to kill and eat the Shrek. That's what the movie was about, to me.

[it's me @evanlocal]

@kid_smoko did not actually know you guys had a band until today but christ this is unbelievably good

[Kid Smoko @kid_smoko]

Tommy Boy (Official Music Video) out now! Shot, edited, and directed by Kid Smoko!

https://t.co/4K6LZZsYsO

[it's me @evanlocal]

@Pleagle185 BottomTierPogoFailure

[it's me @evanlocal]

@bransonreese in 2017 i graduated high school bearing the comic of The Cat Who Claims to Be God on my cap. against my better judgment, i represent him still. #BransonShirtContest

[it's me @evanlocal]

jeff bezos probably doesn't even go to masquerade balls. why even get that rich if you arent going to drop a small nation's GDP on a giant mask shaped like a ferret or something and go to a big party. makes me sick man

[it's me @evanlocal]

doing my part to fight Big Nostalgia by unilaterally stating that the ChaCha Slide is a national embarrassment

[Sam Saulsbury @SamuelSaulsbury]

Ozzy Osbourne: ALL ABOOOOARD
Me: Oh good. Cool. What's this song called, Normal Train.
(A bunch of scary guitars and stuff start happening)
Me: Uh oh

[drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste]

my kid left her pokemon open and it’s pages and pages of this

[it's me @evanlocal]

@ellakpauly I'm sorry that today is the last day you can be gay 😔

[it's me @evanlocal]

just spent $16.43 on an airport sandwich. wait do we have a punchline for this one? did we lose the punchline for this tweet. fuck fuck fuck. christ did this one even make it to the focus group? get my agent on the line now

[it's me @evanlocal]

I'm just trying to play pokemon go man what the hell is this

[it's me @evanlocal]

@afraidofwomem that was the stupid beginning

[it's me @evanlocal]

sometimes you try to do something simple like buy shoes and it ends up being so stupid from beginning to end that you just have to stop

[it's me @evanlocal]

@afraidofwomem come grill with me

[it's me @evanlocal]

people are real mad about the Game of Thrones writing but my sources indicate that the dragon has been named Drogon for like six seasons so it feels like the signs were there

[it's me @evanlocal]

*goes to passover once*

[it's me @evanlocal]

the odd effect of pollen allergies is that every may I find myself wishing that natural selection had smited my ancestors and their garbage genes, thus preventing my birth

[it's me @evanlocal]

@peterkhenderson I cant read your hand