Evan Penn

“nobody asked for your tweets.” - my wife ||| Creative Director / Owner of the ol @pennnpaper

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

*someone after meeting me in person after only seeing what I post on Twitter*

Honestly, I thought he was going to be an idiot.

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

@SquarespaceHelp uhhhhh? This is my website currently?

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

.@RELEVANTpodcast for the question of the week:

The time I almost burned my friends parents’ house down:

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Selling my old copy of #KOTOR. It's crispy clean and in great shape. See it here:
https://t.co/58lrVD6s4z

#Starwars #knightsoftheoldrepublic

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

@RELEVANTpodcast @thederekminor @cameronstrang @jessecarey I think a better version of a Christian “rap beef” would end up just being dudes complimenting each other until they run out of nice things to say. (This has been rambling around in my brain for a week now)

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

“You KNOW I keep that thing on me!”

- me talking about my Costco membership card

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

This morning I witnessed a teacher BLASTING “Umbrella” by Rihanna (literally so loud I could hear it as I pulled up next to her with my windows up) before she went into the school like she was hyping herself up. Stay strong sister. Two more weeks.

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Nothing makes my inner youth pastor come out faster than seeing a stranger reading their Bible at a coffee shop.

A Stranger, Reading Their Bible Peacefully By Themselves as They Sip Their Coffee:

Me:

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Honestly everyone on the @RELEVANTpodcast needs to watch this. I belly laughed. @cameronstrang @thederekminor @Deathbymartymar I don’t know Emily’s handle. (This is about Kendrick & Drake’s beef.)
https://t.co/e8zbYzOIcL

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Bro if you knew this WHY didn’t you do this right the first time? Why am I filling out forms they never taught me how to do in school or paying someone to do it when you already knew this?

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Doing taxes is a great way to be reminded that our government can’t govern.

“Sorry you over-payed in taxes. Here’s some back.”
OR
“Sorry you didn’t pay enough in taxes, give us more.”

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Not a picture of someone who’s trying to admire the eclipse who forgot to get glasses, but a picture of someone seeing my hot hams shimmering in the sunlight coming towards them as I run with shorts on for the first time this year:

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

If you start the song “New Year” by Death Cab for Cutie at 11:59:11 you can start your year with introspective lyrics and being sad.

Yes I am a huge hit at parties why do you ask?

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Yes I have eaten my body weight in Christmas cookies the past 4 days straight which is why I ran 2 miles and did a 20 minute workout today.

Now I can start eating cookies again. It’s called
✨ H O L I D A Y B A L A N C E ✨
look it up.

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Watching “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” with my son and nephews.

All I can say is:
BRING BACK RICK MORANIS 2024!

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

Nothing says “for unto us a Savior has been born” quite like waking up to finding explosive dog diarrhea all over your kitchen floor.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[PennNPaper @pennNpaper]

“This would be funnier if I didn’t have to bear witness to it.” - Evan’s wife

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

@KingCrow1913

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

I look at my phone in long lines not because I’m addicted to my phone, but because I make eye contact with strangers and keep staring until I realize I’m doing it.

I just tried to not be in my phone in line and made eye contact with 7 people in the last 5 minutes.

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

You know the “PARKOUR” cold open from The Office?

That, except instead of grown men it’s my son at bedtime.

(Send help my wife and I are tired.)

[Evan Penn @evanpenn]

My man Dustin never misses.

[Dustin Nickerson @DustinNickerson]

Annual reminder that Trans-Siberian is just seasonal Nickelback