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Cookie Monster (parody) Movie Reviewz
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Joined July 2024
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"If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!" https://t.co/gqnwIuo2BS
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
"If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!" https://t.co/gqnwIunuMk
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@RealLifeFakeWiz "If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you!"
https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@SmokerusPrime @2G1Reviews Pleaze scroll through Monster's timeline for many wonderful reviewz.
Also, me on lettucebox: https://t.co/30clmhk88H
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@SmokerusPrime Next read Monster's review of Supergirl: https://t.co/N84BxYOeV0
Cookie Monster movie review: Supergirl (2026)
Monster apologize for lengthy highatus but lets just say me pick terruble time to book Strait of Hormuz cruise. However, me back and ready to watch de hottest movie of 2026!
Unfortunately, on way to see Backrooms, Monster wander thru wrong doorway, end up in screening of Supergirl, and not able to find way out. So me review dat movie instead.
Movie begin wit introduktion to Supergirl, Kara, who be complete opposite of cuzin Superman. While he believe in truth, justice, and proper hygiene, she be a drunk filthier den Oscar de Grouch after St. Patrick’s Day.
We den introduced to spunky sidekick, Ruthye. She on revenge qwest against villainous brigand and bargain basement Road Warrior Krem who killed her family after dey served him blueberry pie...wit a hunting knife. Me guess they were all out of spoons. Anyway, sword-wielding kid walk into a bar…Stop Monster if you heard dis one before…Sword-wielding kid walk into a bar looking for information about Krem. Instead, someone try to steal her beloved dad sword. So Supergirl steal it back for her.
Ruthye follow Supergirl back to her space-Winnebago where Supergirl pees wit de bathroom door open. What next for DCU? Wonder Woman takes a dump? Despite Ruthye sob story, Supergirl not willing to help UNTIL….Krem (aka Half-ass Cosplay Pinhead) COINCIDENTALLY show up, steal space-Winnebago, and poison super-mutt Krypto wit slow-acting poison. Turn out to save Krypto, Supergirl have to track down antidote! And who have antidote? Why Krem of course. How lucky lucky for Ruthye. And for screenwriter who not have to go thru all de trouble of coming up wit clever plotting!
After stage-weight action sekewence wit tech pirates and a space bus dat look suspiciously like Starbug from Red Dwarf, dey go to space cantina where Supergirl gets into a fight wit alien patrons while, for some reazon, stage performer keeps singing Irving Berlin’s “Cheek to Cheek” even tho dis planet likely a billion light years from Earth. Surprisingly, dis only de second most annoying musikal-fight sekwence in dis film.
Enter Jason Momoa as cigar-chomping, motorcycle-riding Rocky Horror Pictures Show Aquaman who ALSO looking for Krem. He not interested in teaming up wit Supergirl and/or Ruthye - but Monster have a feeling de fates, and contrived script, will find a way to bring dem together in de end!
After girl-talk-slumber-party scene, we get backstory to destruktion of Krypton, a planet full of people so brilliant dey could barely cobble together two eskape spaceships between dem. Kara (aka Supergirl) sent to Earth where she meet Superman who remind Cookie Monster of Christopher Reeve...de time he show up for like tree seconds riding a bicycle in dat Bobby Brown muzik video.
Then Ruthye end up captured by Krem’s boys but fortunately she able to eskape by beating guy three times her size and weight. She free Sons of Anarky Aquaman who also, coincidentally, imprisoned wit her. Dey eskape. And immediately run into brigands!
But just when it look like Temu Klingon Krem going to kill Ruthye…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE! However, she poisoned wit Kryptonite and getting weaker...
But just went it look like brigand going to kill her….HOT TOPIC AQUAMAN COME TO DE RESKUE! Cue movie’s most annoying musikal-fight sekewence.
But just when it look like GWAR roadie Krem going to kill Ruthye again…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE!
And just when it look like another brigand going to kill Ruthye…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE!
And just when it look like another brigand going to attack Supergirl…SOME RANDOM WOMAN COME TO DE RESKUE!
How many more times dis happen? Monster not remember. At dis point, even de Count give up counting.
Skyrim bandit chief Krem captured. Ruthye want revenge for her family, but Supergirl talk her out of it - so SHE can have satisfaction of killing Krem herself. Yes, Supergirl kill unarmed prisoner becuz she a bad-ass and complete opposite of Superman who never kill anyone (except all dose collateral civilians in Man of Steel).
Supergirl get antidote and save Krypto. De End.
And just in time. Monster leaving for Black Sea scuba excursion tomorrow!
VERDIKT: Drab cinematography as bleak as Kara’s soul. Action skewences as empty as de theater seats. Villain as bland as Grover’s One-Ingredient Risotto. Overall, Supergirl feel like not so much a love letter to Mad Max and Guardians of de Galaxy as a curt email.
RATING: 2.5/5 chocolate chippee cookies.
@RealLifeFakeWiz "At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie." https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING! https://t.co/gqnwIunuMk
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@romanhelmetguy "Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea."
https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@Asmon_Updates "...me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children." https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@ThatChrisGore "Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors." https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@venom1s Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
@ShaneTMilson Monster give it 2.5 out of 5 cookies https://t.co/xYpU7EuxnE
Cookie Monster movie review: The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover - and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. "Beware Greeks bearing gifts?" No, not dat one. "Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?" Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover's family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Lezoomooogoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown - which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus's Law: "Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus's Law: "Reach for de sky!"
Sisyphus's Law: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Achilles' Law: "Put your best foot forward!"
Pandora's Law: "It's what's inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon's Law: "Dere's no place like home!"
And Poseidon's Law: "Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!"
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den - SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
P.S. 2.5 out of 5 chocolatey chip cookies
@TheOldestGamer1 Water. Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.
Cookie Monster movie review: Supergirl (2026)
Monster apologize for lengthy highatus but lets just say me pick terruble time to book Strait of Hormuz cruise. However, me back and ready to watch de hottest movie of 2026!
Unfortunately, on way to see Backrooms, Monster wander thru wrong doorway, end up in screening of Supergirl, and not able to find way out. So me review dat movie instead.
Movie begin wit introduktion to Supergirl, Kara, who be complete opposite of cuzin Superman. While he believe in truth, justice, and proper hygiene, she be a drunk filthier den Oscar de Grouch after St. Patrick’s Day.
We den introduced to spunky sidekick, Ruthye. She on revenge qwest against villainous brigand and bargain basement Road Warrior Krem who killed her family after dey served him blueberry pie...wit a hunting knife. Me guess they were all out of spoons. Anyway, sword-wielding kid walk into a bar…Stop Monster if you heard dis one before…Sword-wielding kid walk into a bar looking for information about Krem. Instead, someone try to steal her beloved dad sword. So Supergirl steal it back for her.
Ruthye follow Supergirl back to her space-Winnebago where Supergirl pees wit de bathroom door open. What next for DCU? Wonder Woman takes a dump? Despite Ruthye sob story, Supergirl not willing to help UNTIL….Krem (aka Half-ass Cosplay Pinhead) COINCIDENTALLY show up, steal space-Winnebago, and poison super-mutt Krypto wit slow-acting poison. Turn out to save Krypto, Supergirl have to track down antidote! And who have antidote? Why Krem of course. How lucky lucky for Ruthye. And for screenwriter who not have to go thru all de trouble of coming up wit clever plotting!
After stage-weight action sekewence wit tech pirates and a space bus dat look suspiciously like Starbug from Red Dwarf, dey go to space cantina where Supergirl gets into a fight wit alien patrons while, for some reazon, stage performer keeps singing Irving Berlin’s “Cheek to Cheek” even tho dis planet likely a billion light years from Earth. Surprisingly, dis only de second most annoying musikal-fight sekwence in dis film.
Enter Jason Momoa as cigar-chomping, motorcycle-riding Rocky Horror Pictures Show Aquaman who ALSO looking for Krem. He not interested in teaming up wit Supergirl and/or Ruthye - but Monster have a feeling de fates, and contrived script, will find a way to bring dem together in de end!
After girl-talk-slumber-party scene, we get backstory to destruktion of Krypton, a planet full of people so brilliant dey could barely cobble together two eskape spaceships between dem. Kara (aka Supergirl) sent to Earth where she meet Superman who remind Cookie Monster of Christopher Reeve...de time he show up for like tree seconds riding a bicycle in dat Bobby Brown muzik video.
Then Ruthye end up captured by Krem’s boys but fortunately she able to eskape by beating guy three times her size and weight. She free Sons of Anarky Aquaman who also, coincidentally, imprisoned wit her. Dey eskape. And immediately run into brigands!
But just when it look like Temu Klingon Krem going to kill Ruthye…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE! However, she poisoned wit Kryptonite and getting weaker...
But just went it look like brigand going to kill her….HOT TOPIC AQUAMAN COME TO DE RESKUE! Cue movie’s most annoying musikal-fight sekewence.
But just when it look like GWAR roadie Krem going to kill Ruthye again…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE!
And just when it look like another brigand going to kill Ruthye…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE!
And just when it look like another brigand going to attack Supergirl…SOME RANDOM WOMAN COME TO DE RESKUE!
How many more times dis happen? Monster not remember. At dis point, even de Count give up counting.
Skyrim bandit chief Krem captured. Ruthye want revenge for her family, but Supergirl talk her out of it - so SHE can have satisfaction of killing Krem herself. Yes, Supergirl kill unarmed prisoner becuz she a bad-ass and complete opposite of Superman who never kill anyone (except all dose collateral civilians in Man of Steel).
Supergirl get antidote and save Krypto. De End.
And just in time. Monster leaving for Black Sea scuba excursion tomorrow!
VERDIKT: Drab cinematography as bleak as Kara’s soul. Action skewences as empty as de theater seats. Villain as bland as Grover’s One-Ingredient Risotto. Overall, Supergirl feel like not so much a love letter to Mad Max and Guardians of de Galaxy as a curt email.
RATING: 2.5/5 chocolate chippee cookies.
@theaterbyte @ArrowFilmsVideo @the4kCollectivE @RalphAVSreviews @UltraHDBluray @moviesinfocus https://t.co/zchIlbh1wb
Cookie Monster movie review: Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Snakes on a Plane be good, old-fashioned fun popcorn movie. Minus fun. And not very good. Or old-fashioned. Also, no popcorn. Still, for movie dat make hardly any sense, it move along at brisk pace.
What little story dere is about guy who taking flight from Hawaii to Los Anjelees to testify against mobster. But mobster find easy way to keep him from to testify. He put crate full of crazy poisonous snakes on plane! So simple, Cookie Monster surprised we don’t see dis happen more often. Airport security always checking shoes, but never checking innocent-looking crate of snakes. Something to tink about.
Anyway, halfway through flight, door on snake crate blow open. At dis point, Cookie Monster tink “Hey, wait minute. If able to sneak bomb on board for to blow up crate door, why not just sneak bigger bomb on board for to blow up plane?” But Cookie Monster not film producer, just film critic, so not have answer.
Snakes get loose. Lots of people get bited. Some unlucky and die right away. Some lucky (aka – bigger stars) and hang around for a while.
Snakes not only angry, but very spiteful. Sometimes bite, sometimes climb into people’s eyes and mouths, sometimes slither by in foreground of shot and wink at camera.
People in business class more lucky because no snakes upstairs in deir section, but not so lucky later when riffraff finally reckon dey be better off not flying coach. Figuring dat out easy part. Figuring out how to climb stairs much, much harder. Staircase collapse and everyone fall down onto waiting snakes, making great case for why some people not cut out for first class travel.
Luckily, FBI agent Samuel L. Jackson on board and he get in touch with “hardcore” snake expert played by actor who either make decision to play character sleepy-drunk or not bother to learn lines so look like he read dem off back of car headrest. Expert get anti-venom ready.
Sam tell everyone to buckle up, den shoot out window. Plane decompress and snakes all sucked out and presoomably land on unlucky picnickers and sunbathers. Sammy J. land plane.
Phew! Nightmare over. Or is it? No because dey make Snakes on a Train sequel!
Verdikt: 2.5 out of 5 chocolate chippee cookies!
Cookie Monster movie review: Black Scorpion (1995)
Boy, dere be nothing worse den doing someting really embarrassing like slipping on Snufflelugpagus poop, locking yourself in a port-a-potty at Glitter: The Mariah Carey Experience, or making a really bad movie. Fortunately, dere be convenient way to cover such faux-pas. Just adopt ye old “Me meant to do dat!” excuse. Ie –
Count burn down Mr. Hooper’s store during Sărbătoarea Castanelor chestnut roast celebrations = “Me meant to do dat!”
Bert and Ernie misplace Elmo during White Party in Miami = “Me meant to do dat!”
Grover pass out at strip club and wake up wit shaved ass = “Me meant to do dat!”
So Monster have sneaking suspicion dat, at some point during produktion of dis movie, producers realize Black Scorpion going to be a massive turd. Instead of pulling plug, dey make tweaks to movie to make it seem intentionally cheesy. Unfortunately, it such a slap-dash patchy job dat movie end up feeling like a schizophrenic Frankenstein monster who REALLY like to show her boobies. A lot.
Movie begin wit cop father telling young daughter, Darcy, terrible age-inappropriate bedtime story about lying killer scorpion. Monster suppose it could have been worse. He could have read her J. G. Ballard's Crash.
After telling story, father go out and gun down some bad guys. And an innocent ER doctor.
Years later, Darcy grow up to be a cop. She be pretty good – until her father gunned down and she get kicked of police force for threatening killer wit gun. It lead to dis fantastik exchange:
Police Chief: You’re suspended.
Darcy: It’s because I’m a woman.
Police Chief: It’s because you pulled a gun on a suspect.
Darcy: But he killed my father!
Oh. Okay.
So what a girl to do?
Well, if you’re DIS girl, you dress up in totally inappropriate unwieldly outfit, don mask, call yourself Black Scorpion and go out and fight crime. She beat up bad guys. She use her energy boots to jump really high. Wait. Energy boots? How she get energy boots?
Eventually, our heroine confide her true identity to someone. Her supportive detective partner she in love wit? Of course not. How about some goofy criminal. Better! But why she confide in him? Because she need him to turn her car into a poor woman’s batmobile.
Meanwhile, not-so-super villain who look like reject from de old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers t.v. series enact plan to gas entire city. He warn everybody and tell dem to pick up gas masks at Bureau of Research and Engineering and Atmospheric Technology for Health. Yep, for some reason, BREATH corner de market on gas masks. And no one de least bit suspicious. Villain survey de street-level panic on his wall of twenty-four t.v. screens. But because he too cheap pay for cable, all twenty-four monitors show de same channel.
Big anti-climactic climax take place at….BREATH headquarters! Surprised? Me not want to spoil big reveal dat ER doctor shot by Black Scorpion’s father secret identity of villain so please do not read dis sentence.
Movie end wit partner telling fellow cops dat Darcy save de day! And dey all laugh because, of course, Darcy a girl.
VERDIKT: Gratuitous nudity greatly appreciated, but not enough.
RATING: 1.5 out of 5 chocolate chippee cookies.
Cookie Monster movie review: Chronicle (2012)
When a found footage film not a found footage film?
When makers mysteriously bail on concept two turds of de way thru de movie!
Chronicle distinkt for being first (mostly) found footage superhero movie. Also Chronicle distinkt for fact Dis Movie Stinkt!
Our protagonist, Andrew, be a high school nerd. His mom dying, his dad abusive, he bullied at school. It a miserable life for him – but very entertaining for everyone else so he decide to start filming it. He bring his camera everywhere, inkluding to a party he go to wit his Cousin and Jock friend. After leaving party, trio find weird hole in de ground, investigate, and diskover strange glowy crystal holding squiggly black ting. Having never watched a horror or science fiction movie before, dey trow caution to de wind and decide to touch it. Crystal changes color and dey get nose bleeds!
Weeks later, dey are showing off deir new teliknetik powers, moving objects wit deir minds. It all fun and games until someone gets hurt…
Andrew uses his power to trow tailgating truck into lake. Others tink dis NOT cool and, after swimming into water and rescuing driver (instead of just using deir telikentic power to pull him out), dey agree to not hurt other people.
Dey also teach demselves to fly and go hang out in de clouds – until dey almost get run over by a plane (Mighty crowded up dere!).
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch de sky. I believe I can make others die.
But wit great power come great irresponsibility
Dey celebrate by going to house party where Andrew trow up on girl. He humiliated and, next day at skool, he perform instrument-free dental surgery on bully who be picking on him.
Upset, Andrew fly away so he can be alone and film himself crying. But Jock manage to find him – me not exaktly sure how. Mebbe he go to his favorite special place in de sky? Jock try to cheer him up. Andrew tank him by killing him wit lightning blast (Oh, yeah, he also apparently have lightning blast power).
Andrew start tinking he all special and superior, like Grover’s cousin ShaLaunda dat time she got her nails done. He put on fireman suit and rob bullies and gas station to get money for medicine for his dying mom.
It be at dis point in movie where direktor decide “Fudge it!” and drop de found footage concept. But den seem to want to hedge his bets and inklude unnecessary security cam footage as well. And, finally, seem to realize he being inconsistent so he go back to found footage look for movie’s ending dat involve Andrew vs. Cousin vs a lot of parked cars in high-flying aktion.
For some reason, despite all de damage and havok dey cause, police not at all inclined to shoot de boys. Every time dey toss around police cars and policemen, cops just keep yelling: “Stay down! Don't move!” And, of course, dey move and trow around more cars and cops, and cops yell: “Stay down! Don’t move!”
Dis process be repeated until Cousin get as tired of dis movie as we do and simply impale Andrew wit a handy spear from a nearby statue.
Movie end wit Cousin filming himself addressing Andrew as he arrive in Tibet. Why? Does he believe Andrew also have de superpower to watch movies from beyond de grave?
Verdikt: Dere come a point in every found footage movie where audience wonder “Seriously! Why de hell dey filming dis?”. It seem dat, late in dis film, direktor arrive at same conklusion.
Rating: 1.5 out of 5 chocolate chippee cookies.
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