Fake Dan Stessel

Parody of DC Metro's chief apologist, token white employee and flirting advocate, Dan Stessel.

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

@MetroReasons LA LA LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU sorry too busy printing promo plastic cups! #WMATA

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

Here's a more accurate description of #WMATA: we have no active interest in not killing you if it means doing any actual thing at all.

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

Saying #WMATA's safety culture is lacking is like saying that Uber is a little light on unicorn-driven sky carriages.

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

You do realize that ppl who say #WMATA's safety culture is lacking have no idea what they're talking about b/c there's no such thing, right?

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

For years, some of us have been pointing out that #WMATA has no safety culture at all; & for years, GGWash's Alpert scoffed.

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

@Pat_DefDaily The only time "quality" and "Post's reporting on #WMATA" have ever appeared in a sentence together, ladies and gents!

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

@unsuckdcmetro TL;DR -- "We may start doing our jobs for as many as three weeks."

[Adam Tuss @AdamTuss]

Another day, another safety report slamming Metro. @FTA_DOT critical of Metro's track inspection program #wmata

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

So you don't want an apology for the rapes we've hidden since then? Cool, sorry! #WMATA https://t.co/cpUbZfOWV7

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

No, we didn't use the track geometry vehicle. Why would we want to track geometry? We need to track the rail condition! #WMATA

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

Well, shoot, now I'm torn. If Alpert from GentrifyGentrifyWashington thinks closing #WMATA earlier is bad, that's evidence that it's good.

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

Tracks sparking quite a bit at Pentagon City on the Largo side just past the platform. In 3 different places. #WMATA

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

@LaurenC291 To be fair, he was severely mislead by RUN DMC about what would happen if he went with Adidas. #WMATA

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

@anglophilehoo @Metrorailinfo @MetroHotCars Don't worry, the asbestos in the car will make sure it's not in any danger! #WMATA

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

What don't you people get? We're a jobs program. When the paychecks get cashed our work is done. To hell with your safety. #WMATA

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

@Fitz_DC Whenever a board member makes a statement about #WMATA my immediate reaction is: "Is s/he new here?"

[Pat M. @Fitz_DC]

This is rich. Why? Because they didn't. That's literally all there is to say. #WMATA is a negligent workforce

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

How dangerous is #WMATA? About the same as getting this guy in your Uber pool. Why risk gang warfare?

[Fake Dan Stessel @fakestessel]

We find a nice 25+ min. headway really thins out the trains. The people who pass out from heatstroke can catch one later. Or not. #WMATA