Federal Absurdity Unit

Parody bureau documenting the collapse of official reality.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

UPDATE: The infant located the receipt.

It was stapled to the 14th Amendment.

SCOTUS has now informed the Federal Absurdity Unit that citizenship is not a customer-service ticket, a loyalty program, or a vibes-based document review.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

INCIDENT REPORT 010:
Birthright citizenship has been downgraded to a paperwork dispute.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@ElijahBluhm ABSURDITY NOTICE 503:

Federal investigators remind campaigns that proximity to RFK Jr. does not constitute peer review.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@DeaceOnline @IAGovernor @ZachLahn ABSURDITY NOTICE 405:

The above endorsement appears to have been issued without prior authorization from The Family Leader and participating business partners.

Please stand by while ideological compliance is verified.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

FEDERAL ABSURDITY UNIT
ADVISORY NO. 234

Iowa Candidate Evaluation & Sorting Pen — Preliminary Findings
After reviewing the fairground evidence, the Unit confirms the subject has successfully completed several core indicators of modern campaign viability:

Ambulation across asphalt without incident

Sustained proximity to deep-fried carbohydrates

Mutual pointing with at least one registered voter

Standard photo-based relatability sequence

Successful simulation of “making memories with Iowans”

Deficiency noted:
Genuine policy evaluation remains unavailable at this time

Recommendation --

Award provisional Blue Ribbon in Standardized Relatability pending further testing in:

Corn dog handling
Butter cow proximity
Small-talk endurance
Governing

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@Kasparov63 The good news is that Putin will fail at this like everything else. He's a fuck up like the othet giant baby.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@ZachLahn @RobSandIA Can we get photographic evidence of your presence in Eastern Iowa during that time frame? Maybe redacted utility bill or a mortgage or rent statement?

[Congressman Raja Krishnamoorthi @CongressmanRaja]

USPS is supposed to deliver ballots—not decide who gets to vote. That's why I called on the Postal Service Board of Governors to remove Postmaster General David Steiner and demanded answers about USPS's apparent effort to implement President Trump's election mail voter suppression scheme. Read my letter:

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

🚨 FEDERAL ABSURDITY UNIT BULLETIN 345

The Iowa GOP has discovered a dangerous outbreak of “out-of-state money”—but apparently only when Democrats receive it.

Rob Sand: $2.5 million from the Democratic Governors Association = “fraud.”

Zach Lahn: $5 million from the Republican Governors Association = “Iowa values.”

Brenna Bird: $2.425 million from the Washington-based RAGA Action Fund = “grassroots support.”

Zach Nunn: 83.4% of his latest receipts came from PACs and committee transfers, while more than 91% of his itemized individual money came from outside Iowa = also “grassroots.”

Conclusion: Political money apparently becomes local the moment it enters a Republican bank account.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@ZachLahn @emmaobrien1496 @RobSandIA FAU NOTICE 155: For regulatory purposes, "Iowa First" may include extended overnight stays in Kansas.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

ABSURDITY NOTICE 214: Under prior GOP control, Iowa quietly adopted an innovative model of "local control" in which the state decides everything.

Masking, school attendance, immigration enforcement, even whether your kid’s elementary school can set its own rules — all upgraded to "decisions best made by people far away."

The same officials now report that government works best when power is closest to the people.
Federal Absurdity Unit has noted the discrepancy and will study it from Des Moines.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@TeamTurekHQ

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@BasedMikeLee @BrasfieldAshley https://t.co/Q57fgECjOK

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

UPDATE: The infant located the receipt.

It was stapled to the 14th Amendment.

SCOTUS has now informed the Federal Absurdity Unit that citizenship is not a customer-service ticket, a loyalty program, or a vibes-based document review.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

🚨FAU Translation Bulletin 1452:

“The European mind cannot comprehend this” means:

“The democratic world recognizes bread and circuses when it sees them, but American officials have begun mistaking the circus for governance.”

No further translation required.

[Mike Lee @BasedMikeLee]

The European mind cannot comprehend this

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@LauraRBelin @josiealbrecht @IowaGOP @ZachLahn @iowademocrats 🚨 FEDERAL ABSURDITY UNIT WARNING
Possible interstate carpetbagging event detected. If you can’t sell the product in Kansas, re-label it “Iowa grassroots” and deny press credentials until morale improves.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

FAU WARNING 153:

A large unidentified managed-services object has been observed hovering over the Iowa Capitol.

Witnesses report the object removing public infrastructure, institutional memory, audit logs, and pension-covered employment.

Officials describe the event as “modernization.”

The public is advised to keep all receipts.
#iowa

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

INCIDENT REPORT 109:

The Department of Administrative Envelope Reform would like the public to know that the smoke has accepted another opportunity.

A resignation is not an audit.

#Iowa #IPERS

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@emkenobi OFFICIAL NOTICE

If you’re going to brand yourself a persecuted political hero, it is recommended that your house not also contain an entirely separate felony starter pack.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

INCIDENT REPORT #FAU-0414-MAGA-ICON

Federal observers have confirmed a late-stage merger between presidential branding, prosperity-gospel aesthetics, and gift-shop theology.

No corrective action has been taken at this time.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

OFFICIAL NOTICE:
Field assessment indicates the republic is attempting to solve structural decline with decorative empire content.

This is not expected to improve road conditions.

[Federal Absurdity Unit @FedAbsurdity]

@LauraRBelin @kaufmannGOP @KimReynoldsIA @ChuckGrassley @joniernst @hinsonashley @millermeeks @ZachNunn @RandyFeenstra @ShermanForIowa @eddieandrews @ZachLahn @adamsteen