Sharon Bedard

Never, never, never give up.

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

SPOILER ALERT! You die at the end.

[Yong Mishler @Chakhotkin88A]

Son asked about sex..."Well son, it's like bees. When they poke something, their stinger gets ripped off & they die. Then a bird eats them."

[Margaret Velazquez @irakliybelchen1]

You can always tell how old a movie is based on what cell phone they are using.

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

#recipes #food https://t.co/eKiyxGohzH

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].

[Florence Barnett @KiriakLady]

Cop: You know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

[Bertha Dudley @fgundarovadide1]

That awkward moment when you're trying to explain how a song goes but you really don't want to sing it

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

That awkward moment when you've fallen down on a trampoline and b*tches won't stop jumping so you can't get up.

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

Am I on twitter? Hell yeah! Did I text back? Fuck no! Did I see your subtweet? Surely did. Do I give a fuck? Fuck no!

[Crystal English @knyazhukn]

Car sickness is that feeling you get every month when the payment is due.

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

I like to put little paper umbrellas in the toilet bowl so my dog feels like she's on vacation.

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

"Dad, did you know in some countries men don't know their wives till after they get married?"

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

Scientists say vanilla is the most erotic smell to men.

[Winifred Sorensen @94Akhmadeev]

During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

[Ethel Roebuck @ulotuDotti]

Sitting at Home: "Oh. It's raining. Cool." Sitting at School: "HOLY CRAP IT'S RAINING!! LOOK!"

[Sharon Bedard @Fedosiy79]

My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them straight in the eye and said, "Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause..." & walked away like a boss.

[Victoria Kite @zaytunya]

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

[Kelly Mills @AlmyashevagE1]

A morning text doesn't only mean 'Good morning.' It also means 'I think about you when I wake up.

[Amber Vance @danila_rezunov]

That was actually really funny. But I don't like you. Therefore I shall not laugh.