My wife, sensing I'm about to pull out my harmonica, gently places her hand on my thigh to let me know it's an inappropriate time. We are an incredible team.
My soon to be wife: what’s that sound?
*the lumineers start to stomp clap their way down the aisle during the ceremony*
Wife: I thought you couldn’t afford them?
Me: I-I couldn’t
The lumineers lead singer who is also my friend from high school but with a bigger beard: We wouldn’t miss it for the world
Me: Dude.. *a raw sob wracks my frame which surprises the party guests, due to my profession of being an assassin*
Older friend in college: Yo we should throw a function tonight. Serious
Stoner friend: Hell yeah dude. Ill bring the pot and bongs
Nerd: Ahhh maybe. Ive got a test tomorrow
Girl whos been fucking Caillou: Can Caillou come
When my son was 10, he recognized that I was an older father and he was not happy about that, and I never considered that.
I walked into his bedroom one night, I could tell he'd been crying, puffy eyes, tears stained cheek. And I go, what's going on, buddy? Because I don't know his name. I’m never home.
My son said, I've just been thinking, I'm 10 now and you're 63. When I'm 20. You're gonna be 73. When I'm 30. You'll be 83. You won’t be around for a lot of my life. I said. Buddy buddy, buddy. What's his fucking name. I said I’ll be around for a long time. Don't you worry about that.
I'll be around when you graduate. I'll be around when you get married, when you have kids, I’ll be around for all that stuff. You just gotta make it happen in the next four years. Otherwise, yeah, you're probably right. I won't be around. He said, no, I'm serious. Dad.
Dad? he doesn't know my name either.