Sal E. Mander

Bug aficionado

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Frantically reaching for the remote turn the volume down when I hear the family guy intro when I’m alone in my apartment

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Pulling my pants up as I stand up from the toilet and feeling something squishy in my pocket before I spin around in a panic to see my phone, wallet, and keys disappear down the toilet. A sullen look washes over my face as I slowly feel my pocket once again.

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

If ur on earth then there’s always bugs under ur skin cuz ur skin is on ur body and the bugs are in the dirt under u

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Just saw a werewolf whose hair was disheveled at best. You are not him bro

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Human not meant to farm plant, raise animal. Human meant to find in woods, chase with spear. What next, human go to moon? … just thought that first time… would be so cool…

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Rear ending someone because I’m searching “oobie eyes” on the Amazon app #caraccident

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

iMessage groupchat typing bubbles showing everyone how many texts I don’t send

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

You ever stop and think how lucky we are that the words funky and monkey rhyme?

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Just proposed to my girlfriend (that I have) and she said no because it was “engagement bait”

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

New muppet drops when Jim hensen was alive must have been insane

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

If they told me to follow the yellow brick road and I came upon this I would be so fucking pissed off. This is such bullshit

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Infinite poop glitch unpatched

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Face ID Capgras syndrome

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

The guy in the cascade platinum ad that says detergent with a hard G like deterGent is gonna give me a stroke

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Life hack: If you flush the airplane toilet while you’re still sitting on it it sucks the poop right out ur butt for no additional charge

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

One day I will stand up on a plane and instruct every single person to recline their seats and the world will be fixed

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Diarrhea at work is a Pavlovian response at this point

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Jerry Seinfeld might’ve been on to something. Like actually what is the fucking deal with airline food, it sucks so fucking bad for no reason. I do not think that he should’ve been dating that teenage girl.

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

If I were a mouse or a rabbit or some other wild animal out when it was cold and rainy I’d be hiding in a corner sobbing like “this sucks so fucking bad I hate this this sucks”

[Sal E. Mander @frogshit720]

Me at work using both paper towel dispensers because the sensor takes too long