Douglas Holland

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

Quickest way to lose me as a friend is:

“Did you watch the Snyder cut?”

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

(Interior: a Michigan Trader Joe’s)
Doug: do you have any micro greens?
Employee: What is that?
D: lil baby broccoli
E: we have this broccoli?

D: no like lil baby alfalfa
E: Lettuce is down there

Doug: lil baby bean sprouts you crunch on top of pho
Employee: What is this!

[Ashley K. @AshleyKSmalls]

“This could’ve been an email”

[bill @billKottkamp]

Trump must have coke in his blood he gets high just hearing about it 😂😂

[Gravy Spice @kirrsstt]

Sick and Tired of Being Quick and Sired: A Male Racehorse Memoir

[hasanabi @hasanthehun]

IM GLAD BOTH PARTIES LOVE TO FUCKING FRACK

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

Pence: can we talk bout Obamacare? Because FRACKING

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

@mulaney eating kandy korn in 1959 after murdering Marian Crane

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

@mulaney eating kandy korn in 1959 after murdering Marian Crane

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

I get a lot cooler, once you realize how well I take "shut the fuck up, Doug!"

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

My friend's wife suddenly started posting a shit ton of thirst traps and I was like "HaHa what is she single"
Then I found out she is :(

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

The best writing isn't on HBO or Netflix but yelp. I could sit all day and read "Tha Yelp Daddy" and whether or not "he be pleased" by Miami foods. Or read Mark twain level of irony, as fitstagram models say the $120 steak was "tew cewban" with only a picture of themselves

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

My fortune cookie was too flacid to crack. Once I pried it open it said "adventure is possible"

Signs point to this being a curse.

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

I’m in Texas. No income tax, and no gas tax (~$2/gal) and the streets and roads here look brand new. How do you guys do this?

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

The passion of the Doug. https://t.co/822pk7UqJA

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

@jjauthor “PERIOD!”
Exclamation or period which is it QUESTIONMARK

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

I saw 4 fuckin cars fly off a mountain road in Montana today. when i arrived in town the streets were solid ice. Tried to talk about it with the girl running the motel and she was like.

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

I wonder if jezz befos ever misses going to Barnes and Noble.

[Douglas Holland @fuckindoug]

Me and my doctor
“Imma give you that good shit”
“Some of them don draper pills?”
“Damn right, son”

[T🦞LER @burgerwizard_]

i just really desperately need this to go viral

retweet this to retweet it

like this to like it

trying to prove a point