Mary Roberts

Avoiding someone has two reasons: you either hate that person or you're in love with that person.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

Sleep is my drug. My bed is my dealer. My alarm is the cops. Work is the jail.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

Why are children obese? Probably because burgers are $.99 and salads are $4.99.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

I think, therefore I'm single.

[Pamela Poole @vsurint]

That awkward moment when you ignore someone's phone call and they call you from someone else's phone and you answer it.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia : Fear of long words. Now I know how that word come to mean that.

[Heather Nelson @KorzhinPolikarp]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

I honestly enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

[Carrie Paez @95Marygina]

Right now you have 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support, and you're scrolling with your thumb.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

What are the largest ants in the world? Gi-ants!

[Celeste Doi @nnurkova1]

Two girls wear the same shirt: "She copied my style!" Two guys wear the same shirt: "BRO!"

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

[Kimberly Bradshaw @simonkov74]

sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

"K" = the most powerful way to piss someone off while texting.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

CLEANING MY ROOM: 1% Cleaning. 30% Complaining. 69% Playing with stuffs I just found.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

Texting the same person all day and night and never getting bored just because you like them that much

[Kimberly Bradshaw @simonkov74]

I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself that I never knew about.

[Mary Roberts @fvavakin]

The most dangerous thing about a vehicle is one nut - the one behind the steering wheel!