am Gabby

[★ albs ★ @albertoutspoken]

Me: hi
DMV employee:

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Gf: I think you're so handsome :-)

Me: ok

Friend: Your Kermit impression is getting really good

Me: That means the world to me player

[🖤 @GiaOmega]

Y’all I’m at work tryna verify this patients address but he speaks Spanish lmfaooo so I’m sitting here saying “Donde estas” and he looking at me like “aqui”

[Tig Notaro @TigNotaro]

My therapist told me that anxiety and excitement are physically the same and when I feel anxious about something that I should pretend that I am excited. This morning I tried it and thought "I am so excited that everybody hates me"

[ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl]

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

[whitmer thomas @WhitmerThomas]

does my computer think im a pirate?

[Hannah Solow @hamstertalk]

Thank you!!!!!! Sobbing crying I am healed

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Maybe the worst shirt I could have possibly worn to the ER last night

[Margo Howard @Margoandhow]

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

[depths of wikipedia! @depthsofwiki]

credit to redditor u/maenefa

[James @CaucasianJames]

pov i just told ur mom to go long

[shelby wolstein @ShelbyWolstein]

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

[Tori Bedford @Tori_Bedford]

my friend is a veterinary social worker and she texts me a Dog of The Day, this one rendered me speechless

[Paul @paulyester__]

just mispronounced Bon Iver in Starbucks and 11 people told me to kill myself

[mir.i.am #PrayForSnooki @moll11y]

When the Hibachi chef asks if you can catch a shrimp in your mouth

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods