Gemma

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

@BBCR1 if an octopus wore one large glove it would be a sleeping bag not a glove

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

@ScoobaGreek ??

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

@DanBilzerian How to succeed whilst failing

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

@gregjames this time last year there was a lot of football ⚽️

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired

Me: Toys come alive

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A boy turns into a werewolf who's good at basketball

Movie Exec: Love it!

Me: Someone says goodbye before ending a phone call

Movie Exec: Get out

[William Control @williamcontrol]

“This is hard. I have too much leather and too much lace. I can’t decide what to wear” -My girlfriend

Life is good.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he's coming

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Wife *gazing at ultrasound* isn't that just the best thing you have ever seen?!

Me *remembering the episode of Scooby Doo when he met Batman* ok don't get mad

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

@Eminem You're the best Marshall. I have followed you since the beginning

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

Do you know what I miss from my childhood, teleporting. I'd fall asleep on the sofa and awaken in my bed. Fun times

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: Wow can't believe I'm meeting a robot!

Scientist: He has limited functionality. He can't hold a conversation or express emotion

Me: ok

Scientist: I'm talking to the robot

[Gemma @gemma_angel7]

@dumbbeezie 💯

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: I don't like myself

Therapist: That's very common

Me: Really?

Therapist: Oh yeah loads of people don't like you

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: I read dystopian literature when I'm ill

Date: Orwell?

Me: No, just when I'm ill

Date: I'm gonna go

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Interviewer: Why do you want to work for DHL?

Me: I'm good at delivering packages on time to the right house

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me: haha I'm joking I'm useless at it!

Interviewer: haha omg I was like whaaatttt lmao

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We've finished, boss

Boss: For God's sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the lobster bisque is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Do you ever imagine Road Runner in flip flops?

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: I found this article "10 things your doctor doesn't want you to know"

Doctor: ugh don't read that, it's nonsense!

Me: Number 1 says "the doctor stole your heelys"

Doctor *glides around desk* now listen