USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.
Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.
I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."
"They just come with the table, man."
They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.
This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.
I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.
"Did we…?"
"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."
Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.
My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."
Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.
I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.
Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.
I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.
Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.
Philadelphia DA issues warning to anyone who wants to "play militia" or engage in voter intimidation tomorrow:
"We do have the cuffs. We do have the jail cells. We do have the Philly juries. ... F around and find out."
Arielle: mom how do you spell skirt?
Me: sound it out loud and tell me what u think
A: *talks to siri* “skirt” … there’s also this way mom
Me: 😑
^y’all. I feel 75.
Cancer ghosting, let’s talk about it 👻
I took these two pictures after my first hospital admission then scrolled through my feed and cried. At 29, I found myself using a bedpan while I watched friends skiing down mountainsides. It was the first time I’d recognize how detached my life had become from my peers.
I felt jealous, bitter and threw myself a pity party over chicken broth and graham crackers while the extreme guilt set in over the fact I even had any of these emotions.
When you’re first diagnosed with cancer, your friends, family and even distant acquaintances often rally around you. The messages, phone calls and well wishes pour in, making you feel insanely supported.
But over time the support often dwindles. People go back to their lives, full of events and activities you may no longer be able to participate in. And all the “if you need anything” messages start to feel empty as you look on from afar.
There are often people you thought would be there every step of the way- who you never or rarely hear from. It can feel crushing and make you question if they ever really cared.
Here’s why I don’t fault the people in my life I experienced this with and a few insights I’ve taken away. I thought I’d share in case it’s helpful to others.
I started to feel less hurt by these experiences when I realized we all have busy lives and most people are doing their best to make it through their own day. We live in a world these days where many of us turn to social media to keep tabs on each other. Many of my friends and family saw updates online or were updated through the grapevine. They felt up-to-date on me, even though we never had contact. Others later told me, “Phewf, I’m glad you’re doing okay now. I had to stop reading your posts because it was too hard for me. I kept picturing everything that happened to you, happening to myself or my kids. I emotionally wasn’t strong enough for it. I prayed for you every night but couldn’t read your posts.” Others were at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say.
Look, cancer is hard- really hard. Not just for those of us going through it but for many of those we care about too. I personally believe it’s not about people not caring, I think it’s often people not knowing how to show up or what to say.
I think social media often amplifies the emotions and isolation. When you see others carrying on with their lives while you’re simply trying to survive, it can at times feel like they don’t care.
But what social media doesn’t show are the prayers they send up each night praying for your healing and comfort, the little reminders throughout their day that make them think of you or their compulsive checking of your page at 1am for updates looking reassurance you’re okay.
Social media has created ways for us to feel more connected than we ever have before but it can also create a valley of isolation through the hardest days.
So this is my reminder to anyone who may have loved ones they care about going through a difficult time. Don’t forget to drop the comment, send the message or pick up the phone. If you don’t know what to say, simply let them know you’re thinking about them.
Cancer ghosting I personally believe is often unintentional but a very real experience many face. I’d love for us to create a thread of practical ways to show up for others. So let’s hear your experience below. What are little ways people showed up for you during a difficult time that mean the most?
I’ve been forcing Arielle to read books about Philippine history lately.
Arielle: MAMA!!! you didn’t tell me Japan took the Philippines in World war eleven!!!
^ 💀💀
May I just say, I think the marketing WILDLY misrepresented this movie. I found it to be remarkably romantic, and one of my favorite love stories of late. I found the immigrant storyline to be incredibly moving, and basically cried the entirety of the last 20 minutes #Elemental
One of the many reasons why I love #Elemental so much is the fact that Ember and Wade are voiced by an Asian woman and a Black man respectively. An interracial couple that doesn't involve a white person voicing leads in a Pixar movie is a first. We love to see it!
Me: *making fun of my husband for his short shorts and big booty*
My parents: *lecturing me to not make fun of my husband*
^ when’s a good time to remind them they didn’t like him before 😂