grasshopper

dissident of the proletariat

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

bartender~what'll ya have?

me~whiskey, straight.
then a cosmo, gay.

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

daylight savings is how big government keeps us from looking to the future

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

@headway10 @plaqueredbonzai all i know for sure is that i could never be a waiter because i bring nothing to the table

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

you have 'til the witching hour to send details of any specific needs so at the stroke of 12 i can perform my annual all hallows eve ritual & sacrifice a candy corn

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

@Superfister69 pump your brakes there kemosabe
long as i'm pitchin' i say we give all of 'em a shot at catchin'
(slow wink)

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

@Superfister69 my significant other's love of football is inversely proportional to her disdain for my 2 minute drill #NFL

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

the political shitshow our youngsters will inherit is shameful but after speaking with several of them i've concluded that our country is screwed regardless so NBD

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

i've been a hack my entire life so remove your feeble little life hacks from my presence you're embarrassing yourself

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

finished sewing my Contraceptive SpongeBob SquarePants Halloween outfit

& now i wait

[grasshopper @ghop16er]

[yawned]

[paigey xo @earth2paigey]

Maybe try not to lose your shit when someone disagrees with you.

-me writing a self help book for gen x 😃

[The Goose Who Ganders (🥰😇) @plaqueredbonzai]

Restaurant idea - no menu and you just tell me what you want and I make it if I have it. If I don't got it your food taste sucks n you can fuckin' leave.

[Keitho @keith_saunders]

Omg, I’m having pumpkin spice cereal. I’m part of the problem!

#BigPumpkin

[Keitho @keith_saunders]

This just in: The Teletubbies were spotted on Epstein’s island!

[Mike Mentalpause @mentalpause1]

On a strictly perfunctory scale

I'm off the charts

[Mike Mentalpause @mentalpause1]

You're the 1 ply toilet paper of ppl

[helen qu'elle heure @uberjnet]

Joel Osteen looks like Martin Short playing Tim Allen

[helen qu'elle heure @uberjnet]

Why do some people call it Austria while others call it Australia 🤔

[Superfister69, Esq. @Superfister69]

Do I need to see the first "Space Jam" to know what's going on in "Space Jam 2"?

[Superfister69, Esq. @Superfister69]

Ladies, don't read my tweets if pregnant, or plan to become pregnant.