Mike Mentalpause

The glass is half full AND half empty. I can be in 2 places at the same time. This rabbit hole never ends

[Mike Mentalpause @mentalpause1]

Dark chocolate is just regular chocolate with secrets that you don't want to know about

[Jen @SleepEatScream]

Late night conversations that flow effortlessly is top tier foreplay.

[Jen @SleepEatScream]

Adults who sleep with stuffed animals is weird.

[Mike Mentalpause @mentalpause1]

We're all Chinese spies. We just don't know it yet

[Jen @SleepEatScream]

Whenever someone says, “can I be honest with you?” it’s never anything you’re going to want to hear.

[David @DBStoner]

You now have my attention. And my suspicion too.

[Drama Queen @dramaqueens_a]

Me acabo de enterar que el sexo de reconciliación tiene que ser con la persona que discutiste.

[you already know @DrinkingDad_2]

(Calm, reassuring voice)

“It’s ok, take your time. I just need you to point for us to where she shared her Wordle score with you.”

[you already know @DrinkingDad_2]

My Ham radio license is suspended for broadcasting under the influence.

[Mike Mentalpause @mentalpause1]

It should be legal to set a liar's pants on fire

[CoCo @unhingebinge]

Sticking tacos up your ass doesn't make you a drug mule, Pepe.

[Megan Budway @MeganBudway]

I’m bored. Someone start an argument with me. I’m ready to defend an opinion on the internet I don’t even have

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

This first aid kit contains zero pudding or rum. I'll just die.

[Minnie @babyblue0924]

I like you, but not enough to convert to the metric system. Hope that’s okay.

[Robert Bonnett @RoBonnett79]

I fear what I don't understand, and I don't understand how that tweet got so many retweets.

[Robert Bonnett @RoBonnett79]

Serenity Man's power was to bring calm to any situation, so they took a secret vote and tossed his pansy ass out of the league of heroes.

[Robert Bonnett @RoBonnett79]

Being a professional writer would be really cool but it would also be really cool to be able to do back flips.

[Weapon 𝕏 @HellRaz0r1776]

Why don't they just make spaghetti sauce colored Tupperware and get it over with...

[Robert Bonnett @RoBonnett79]

Have you thought about hiring a crime scene cleaner to tidy up your twitter timeline?

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

On your first day in the gulag, walk up to the toughest secular inquisitionist you see and kick him right in the politburo.

[Ben Justman🍷 @BenJustman]

A girl just made eye contact with me.
Nice try China.