regular keith

i tried to fit the whole canterbury tales in here

[regular keith @ghostkrogh]

me: wow what a beautiful day
gf: wonderful day for some yard work!
my beefy uncle tim: i took the governor off my lawn mower so its got street speed, i take it to the batting cages

[regular keith @ghostkrogh]

@iHateShaun One million percent

[Patrick Doran @lunch_enjoyer]

you are not a brat, you are my 31 year old cousin Josh, and guess what? youre the most well behaved guy I know. Come here, bud.

[zach reinert @zachreinert0]

Can you imagine how good the glue would be that came from a unicorn

[Josh Hart @joshhart]

To the women in this country….I’m Sorry

[JP @jpbrammer]

I really enjoy this fitness influencer's free ab workout videos on youtube. I have noticed orbs of light in his home and believe he is being haunted

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

I can’t get my son Taffney out of my Cybertruck until I download the latest key software?? Help!

[Nate @thenatewolf]

If you ever need a quick comeback just say, “I bet you’re the kind of person who gets weird bruises.” 99% hit rate.

[regular keith @ghostkrogh]

@hippieswordfish

[stove dialer @nickhexum311]

If your boyfriend wears a bowler hat you single to me. What’s he gonna do, gladly pay me Tuesday for a hamburger today?

[Tin Doom 😑 @PajamaStew]

You try to return to the city, but you spent too much time in the forest learning the language of nature. You now only speak in the cry of startled birds and gusts of wind through dry branches.

The man asks what you want on your sandwich and you hiss softly like steam on a lake.

[JP @jpbrammer]

his ass does NOT understand that Ansem was actually Ansem's apprentice Xehanort pretending to be Ansem

[ELLɅ MɅCHINɅ @orchidcamp]

guy hearing about the mcdonald's happy meal for the first time: [eyes welling up with tears] a happy meal. i think i'd like that. i'd like that very much

[Jenna SaysQuoi @jennasaysquoi]

alexander the great at kissing boys

[Dreadlef Schrempf @TheLesterLee]

Everyone in the NBA is scoring like 150 points every night. Then they come to Madison Square Garden and the Knicks beat them with metal bats for two hours

[Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates]

Ironic that I am a judge for the Truman Capote award when Capote in a druggy interview said he hated me & that I should be executed. LOL.

[Hard Drive @HardDriveMag]

Disney Shareholder Plans Removal of Bob Iger by Splitting Soul into Thirteen Versions of Himself, Opening Kingdom Hearts https://t.co/W3KrRyN6ZO

[Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer]

Short kings stay inside today I saw that eagle circling the forest again

[regular keith @ghostkrogh]

@iHateShaun It’s egregious