urbanswitchedonlady

cat enthusiast, has seen nearly ever episode of Murder, She Wrote

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

It's awesome when a customer buys you coffee for your midnight-8am Black Friday shift, but it sucks when your boss is like "nope".

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

The things that live in my ceiling/wall are squeaking extra loud this morning 🙄

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

Happy birthday to Dame Angela Lansbury! #90thBirthdaySheWrote

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

Music doesn't start fires.

[thomas violence @thomas_violence]

someone replies to 1 tweet: cool
5 tweets: nice we're friends
50 tweets: okay
every tweet: no please my skin would be useless as clothes

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

I hope there's not dead bat on my car. I have to get out on the side it flopped against 😒

[Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman]

"Why you always gotta bring up old shit?" - me when people quote scripture

[Henry 3000 @Henry_3000]

Today's not the day to rant on about 239 years of global imperialism & the murder of indigenous peoples. Today's the day to celebrate it.

[brent @murrman5]

[parent/teacher meeting]
"you must've read to him as a baby"
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

My cat got me into this bad habit of shaking my butt before I pounce on a dropped M&M.

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

Hard to believe Scientology traces our roots all the way back to the Evil Emperor Zurg before he was finally defeated by Buzz Lightyear.

[Lito @yaygrrmeister]

Hollow chocolate bunnies are why I have trust issues.

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

It's good to be a Christian and know it, but it's better to be a Christian and show it. -old guy I met at Amtrak

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

When you are done talking to Comcast Customer Service, it should give you an option to be transferred to the Suicide Hotline.

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

@jadeorade3030 yeah I never would have made an account if you hadn't forced me

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

@jadeorade3030 it's kind of fun

[Pete Lynch @PJTLynch]

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

[urbanswitchedonlady @gmapussywillow]

Note to self: it never works when you point threateningly at inanimate objects as they start to move out of place

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

God helps hamburger that helps itself.