Dijon Mustard

I get weird after 8pm

[Dijon Mustard @guudtimez]

A stripper was about to pour whipped cream in my mouth tonight and that's just an awkward time to tell someone you're a vegan.

[IAMTOONS 🐻🐻‍❄️🐼 @KartoonMGMT]

This dude be having CRYING bruh 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[michaela okland @MichaelaOkla]

Ok so don’t get mad at me if this is you I am genuinely asking...... what about Disney World/Land.... is so appealing to grown adults that they’re emotional they haven’t been in like a year

[Raul @ChitownTorres_]

Only Chicagoans go to other cities and be like “ this y’all downtown?” 😂

[μέλισσα(Melissa) @1melisza]

This remains in my head rent free

[V @williamvercetti]

“wE cAn DisAgReE aNd StIlL bE fRiEnDs”

yeah bitch, about pizza toppings, not racism. gtfo my face.

[Robert Reich @RBReich]

6 months.

One $1200 stimulus check.

If that doesn't convince you we need to flip the Senate, I don't know what will.

[𝑆𝑢𝑛𝑛𝑖 𝑇𝑎𝑘𝑢𝑚𝑖 🌸🤎 @_etherealsouls]

Everybody who uses Uber needs this in their camera roll

[mommiaga @lavenciaga]

Megan Thee Stallion is literally a college student on a mission to save the planet while promoting girl power and yall mad bout her lyrics when it’s 20 yo rappers with 8 kids and STDs that rap about eating cereal bowls of percs, but of course the black woman is the bad example..

[Dijon Mustard @guudtimez]

I have a question. When people win $10,000-$50,000 on a game show, is it taxed? Like, you're eating frickin stinkbugs on Fear Factor, thinking "$50k will be worth it" but then it ends up being alarmingly less? jw.

[em @emzkiiii]

all men do is lie and be 5’7

[1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS]

“Women are so emotional”, sir I have never punched a hole in my dry wall

[WeRateDogs @dog_rates]

We only rate dogs. This is a meteorite that has fallen from a clearly superior part of the galaxy. Please only send dogs. Thank you... 14/10

[Burger King @BurgerKing]

cow farts & burps are no laughing matter. they release methane, contributing to climate change. that’s why we’re working to change our cows’ diet by adding lemongrass to reduce their emissions by approximately 33%. learn about our ongoing study: https://t.co/kPCXpjfbGL #CowsMenu

[SheRatesDogs @SheRatesDogs]

I usually fully blur out faces but I need you guys to also notice his emoji choices

[Dijon Mustard @guudtimez]

Oh this hits @_staringcontest

[Dijon Mustard @guudtimez]

if you're a dude who has ever muttered h O p E f U l L y you're on the pill to a girl post fuck, you should be very enraged by the fact the government controls who has access to birth control.

[Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus]

unfortunately we will not cover the medicine that keeps you from throwing up from pain every month. but we have a good reason! a lady ate an apple in our favorite book

[mikalomusic @mikalommusic]

NOOOOOO FUCKKKK NOOOOOO