zack hammond

comedian in Pennsylvania

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Anyone Else Have This Problem?
#comedynight #standupcomedy #standupcomedian #comedyshow #livecomedy #LaughOutLoud #fyp

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Gas light came on and told me I had 30miles till empty. I drove 50 before the car stopped. I will not be gaslit by a literal gas light

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

New Comedy Special at https://t.co/Q7zfcqaYcr #liberal #comedy #mtrushmore

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

New Special at https://t.co/tOvAINKvni
#comedy #whitegold #funny

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

New Special at https://t.co/tOvAINL3cQ #stoners #heroin #boring

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

My new comedy special "Welfare in Disguise" is live now on YouTube or my website https://t.co/Q7zfcqbw1Z

https://t.co/VTRP4zdzge

@DougStanhope can I get a retweet?

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Lawyer: it's really inappropriate for you to fuck your EMPLOYEES...wink wink...

Vince: ohhhh...if they're not my EMPLOYEES

Lawyer: yeah...

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Whatever will I spend it on?

I've never seen perversion and convenience come together so well.

I love Boise

@WatsonsMystery tonight at 630pm

@madswedebrewing (brew hall) at 9pm

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

You say
"This our forever home"

I hear
"One day someone will find me face down in the kitchen."

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

The only person who determines if you're a failure is you...

And probably the people paying you.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

Charles Manson, who loved dune buggies and idolized The Beatles, arrived in Los Angeles with dreams of recording success. A thwarted record deal and an address mix-up led to him expressing his grievances in a way that many have issues with.

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

@DaveBautista Pretty crazy that 9yrs later this random dude and @JohnCena would cause @VinceMcMahon to tear both his quads at the Royal Rumble. #FollowYourDreams

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Tamina is really showing off that killer instinct...must run in the family

#WrestleMania

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

"Box like structure" you mean a box @MichaelCole? It's a goddamn box.

#WrestleMania

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Must be a family thing to run over people who use the stunner

#RoyalRumble
#WWE
#UniversalTitle

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

Dear Occupy Wall Street,

You've just been served

Sincerely,

Reddit

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

All conspiracy theorists graduated from a specific improv school that specialized in, "yeah, but"

[zack hammond @hammond_zack]

We're living in a time that will be a few chapters in a history book...that some middle school kid will draw dicks in the back of.

So there's that.