Alex Pyle

why is everyone else so bad at eating?

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

I spent 45 minutes in Target and I forgot where I parked my car, so if someone could make me a reservation at the old folks home that would be great.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Skylar told me she “doesn’t like mashed potatoes” and I’m trying to figure out where exactly I failed her as a parent.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Nothing brings out my inner control freak like letting my kid pick out her own outfit for school.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Is your five-year-old’s favorite song “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus, or are you a good mom?

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

@itsabsaf I just bought the Devafuser and it’s the best diffuser I’ve ever used. I like that you can put it on any blow dryer.

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

Friend: There’s somebody I want you to meet.

Me: I know enough people.

[trash jones @jzux]

therapy is so funny, like hi i’m here for my crying appointment

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

@5lbtrout @TomHolmoe Love Tom’s vest. I’ve gotta get me one of those!

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Is there anything that feels more revealing than using a regular sized towel after you’ve grown accustomed to using a bath sheet?

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

seems like a niche market

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Today an 84 year old woman told me that she wears her Halloween costume on a regular basis. When I asked her what her costume was she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “a bitch.”

I love her. She is goals.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Last night I thought of something really funny to tweet, but I didn’t do it in the moment and now I can’t remember what it was. Sorry that I’m an idiot and you all have to suffer for it.

[michael @FilledwithUrine]

there’s no mental health problem a cold dr pepper couldnt fix

[Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 @PinkCamoTO]

If you don't add 15 minutes to my "leaving now" text, then really it's your fault.

[jenn ◡̈ 🇺🇸🇲🇽 @jennmckay007]

I would quite literally rather run out of gas on the side of the road and get kidnapped than “go see the cashier”

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

“When I grow up I’m going to be a teacher because only teachers can talk in the hallway and I just really like to talk.” my 5 year old said in a singular breath.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

Update: I have a fractured fibula and high ankle sprain. I probably should have just spilled my damn pop.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

I fell down the stairs this morning without spilling a drop of my Diet Coke. Tell me you’re an addict without telling me you’re an addict.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

@kels_garner I may or may not have a high ankle sprain but it was worth it.

[Alex Pyle @hangrypyle]

I fell down the stairs this morning without spilling a drop of my Diet Coke. Tell me you’re an addict without telling me you’re an addict.

[Eden Dranger @Eden_Eats]

things that are embarrassing but shouldn't be:
-crossing the street
-walking back from your turn in bowling
-people singing happy Birthday