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Jannik Sinner Turin GF Recap: Yeah, sex is good, but have you ever watched Fox Boy win the last trophy of the year with a first serve held together by spit and a prayer? Jannik won his first service point, and the crowd cheered like they were a live “stop the count” meme. Early on, there was a medical emergency. It was at a tense, pressure point in the game……. so naturally, Sincaraz smiled, nodded, and launched into a cheerful yapathon at the net. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any coffee and cake, or we could have spent the 10min delay playing spot the difference between them and a local ladies’ book club. Fox Boy hit a RIDICULOUS backhand winner that had Bee Man reacting like 😚, because the pre-match tactics from both teams was clearly to make the final one continuous GIF generator. The ginger wanted to ensure his fans’ blood pressure readings were hospital admission worthy, so despite his rival misplacing a hamstring, he gave up a set point, and a first serve, at 6-5. Whilst BP monitors around Italy were flatlining, he then casually pulled a 187km/h second serve from his shorts pocket. As Shakespeare (and Rob Koenig) wrote, “Clutchness, thy name is Jannik”. Like Beetlejuice, if you say “tiebreak” three times, Darth Sinner appears on your tennis court. Little Miss Variety also popped her head in, but got stage fright when she saw the crowd size, and netted a drop shot even Jannik’s step-dog son could have made. Luckily, she got a pep talk from Darth Sinner, and executed two picture-perfect lobs, to close out the tiebreak and the set. Papa Darren and Vagno stood and applauded, and pretended they hadn’t shaved years off their lives with the “Variety is fun!” phase. Despite solid percentages for the first set, Jannik pulled a Rachel McAdams in The Vow, bumped his head at the set changeover, and said confusedly, “The last time I remember playing tennis is the USO, so who the hell are you?!” to his first serve. During this amnesia spell, he also forgot you need two sets to win a match, and allowed himself to get broken for the first time all week. Vagno merely sighed and set a reminder to borrow “Serving for Dummies” from the library again. Luckily, the establishment couldn’t bear the idea of their golden boy losing. They quickly intervened and repainted the white lines to ensure a shanked return landed perfectly in, and the ginger could break back. Mid-set, the king of drop shots unusually mistimed one into the net. The very next point, his court jester poked his tongue out, and executed a perfect one. Yes, we’ve officially entered a parallel universe where, by the sheer power of chilling malevolence, Fox Boy can out drop Bee Man. Jannik’s first serve continued to play hide and seek - without the seek - for the rest of the match. He saved another break point, and immediately put his finger to his ear. The move remains as natural as pineapple on pizza, but it still featured in Turin’s “Things that make you go awww”, right next to FAA’s ballkid mascot. Finally, after 2hr15mins, the carrot brought up match point on Carlos’ serve. Despite the traumatic Luigi images running through every fox fan’s mind, his new Zyrtec sponsorship delivered, and he converted his first chance. The dads were ecstatic, the bald figure was bawling, and Ale-Alejandro was everyone’s mother filming the ceremony in landscape mode on his iPhone 6, because the 10,000 broadcast cameras just don’t have the same quality. The Sincaraz speeches were the usual lovefest of, “I could never inspire Tennis Twitter to create homosexual rumours with another rival like I can with you”, and, “If I could choose anyone to humiliate the rest of the ATP tour with, I would choose you”. With yet more millions in the bank, the ginger celebrated appropriately by literally showering in champagne, and carting his expensive trophy around like a sack of potatoes. So, with one final “Ole, Ole, Sinner”, we say thank you…... to Brother Mark. 😉 FORZA. 🦊🧡