Claire Standish

Do you know how popular I am? I'm so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.

[Claire Standish @heyjohnbender]

“Murder victim says killer was friendly until he wasn’t”

[The Associated Press @AP]

A man who was thrown into the air by a bison in Yellowstone National Park says the animal didn't seem aggressive until it picked him as a target.

Sixty-five-year-old Carl McDaniel recalled the attack from a hospital bed, where he was recovering from multiple bone fractures.

[Midwest vs. The Rest @midwestern_ope]

How that first 75° day feels after it’s been 90° and humid for two weeks

[Claire Standish @heyjohnbender]

Alternative math

[Documenting Saylor @saylordocs]

RFK Jr: "President Trump has a different way of calculating percentages. If you have a $600 drug and you reduce it to $10, that's a 600% reduction."

No, you imbecile. That’s a 98.33% drop. No math besides make-believe math makes it 600%.

[👮‍♂️🚒 Tales of Badge & Blaze™ @ScottEnlow]

👮‍♂️911 operator: "911 what is your emergency?"

😳Caller: "I'm calling to report a bear on top of a light pole."

[Claire Standish @heyjohnbender]

@Scavino47 Need more gold.

[National Press Club @PressClubDC]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Press Club President Mark Schoeff Jr. released the following statement:

[Captain Obvious™️ @TheFungi669]

Karoline Leavitt: “Benjamin Franklin is probably the only president who has done more than President Trump. He invented electricity.”

[Eric Alper 🎧 @ThatEricAlper]

The lens flare in this photo looks like Eric Cartman

[Claire Standish @heyjohnbender]

@PageSix Just because a kid asks for something doesn’t mean they should get it.

[Robert Wilkinson @robertwlk]

Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.

[NO CONTEXT HUMANS @HumansNoContext]

The only way to put away tupperware

[Claire Standish @heyjohnbender]

I have not seen where they are paying ME yet

[Headquarters @HQNewsNow]

Trump: Prescription drugs have come down 400 to 500 to 600%. And that alone should win us the midterms

[alexa @alexadoingstuff]

You could literally land a plane by yourself after your instructor jumps to his death mid flight and they’d still use a picture of a man

[‏ً @omgsidewalks]

I’m sorry, NOT free this weekend. On Friday night, I'm busy recovering from the 5-day work week. Saturday is only 45 minutes long, and on Sunday, I'm totally tied up with a series of panic attacks because Monday is literally just 30 minutes away.

[TheFrenchie @ML3democrats]

Replacing Trump with JD Vance is like shitting your pants and changing your shirt

[Black Girl @t_sadiity]

My favorite part about health insurance is how your teeth and eyeballs are add-ons

[Jamie Bonkiewicz @JamieBonkiewicz]

You don’t like my posts about Trump? Just ignore them like you ignore the fact that he’s a rapist and a pedophile.

[Governor Newsom Press Office (parody) @AwesomeNewsom]

I JOIN DONALD TRUMP IN CONDEMNING THE FOLLOWING NATIONS: THE ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF JAPAN, THE JAPANESE REPUBLIC OF ISLAM, THE UNITED FEDERATION OF NARNIA, THE REFLECTING POOL NATION OF ALGAE-RIA, AND THE DONALD TRUMP REPUBLIC OF DUMBODIA & TACOSTAN.

[Claire Standish @heyjohnbender]

Um WHAT

[Democrats Deliver @DemzDeliver]

🚨 Colorado passes bill to ban AI child porn.

17 Republicans voted no.

[Lucas Sanders 👊🏽🔥🇺🇸 @LucasSa56947288]

WATCH: Here’s video showing the Belgium Team mocking Donald Trump’s stupid dance in the locker-room after defeating Team USA 🇺🇸 to win the World Cup yesterday.

Who loves this? ✋🏽