Bianca

they/she, 24 | vent diary, arfid & other mental illnesses | recovering from b/p (but not recovery twt) | vegan

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I'm so cold and my nails and lips have turned blue, this used to happen to me all the time when I was at my lw, but idk why it's happening now. The weather isn't even that cold, my partner is wearing summer clothes but I have to wear so many layers because I'm literally freezing.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

Same reason why I love swinging on swings and find it so calming as well

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

Why does pacing calm me down so much even now that I'm not longer obsessed with my step count, don't have a smartwatch anymore, and don't do it in a compulsive way anymore.
I think it's mostly because of the repetitiveness and the motion of it.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

@swirlylambz They're adorable 🥺❤️

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

Thinking about this once again. It feels like it's always going to be like this.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

Pizarnik on this. (I underlined this 3 yrs ago. I'm still mentally ill 3 yrs later.)

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I hate arfid so fucking much. It's ruining my life.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

@rue_starlight I'll check it out, thank you! :)

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

@rue_starlight That's so cool, enjoy! I'll see if I can find anything!

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

@achlys_ed This is so sweet, I love it sm! And it's great that it helped you see that you're someone beyond your mental illness, I know how hard it is to feel this way 🫂

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I'm starting to reconsider whether I really want to grow my hair out bcs I love how masculine my short hair makes me look. Thing is, I'd really like to have that "masculine long hair look", but I feel like it's definitely easier to be perceived as masc when you have short hair

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I'm genuinely trying not to let my EDs control my life and keep me from actually living, but arfid is making this so much harder, and it's so fucking frustrating.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I haven't had an appetite these days and it's not helping, at all. I need to eat because I need to have enough energy for studying & life in general, but between how incredibly unenjoyable my arfid makes eating and my lack of appetite, I'm literally having to force myself to eat.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

Like yeah, ofc I'd like to lose weight, I'm not recovered I still have a weight/body image focused ED, but I'm also at a point in my life where I care enough about living that my health matters to me now, and so do my studies and ability to function properly.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

@swirlylambz It's soo cute!! Hope you enjoyed it ❤️

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I was feeling good and hopeful just a minute ago and now I'm back to feeling incredibly depressed and like nothing's ever going to get better. I hate this shit

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I'm so sad and lonely :(

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I really miss my dad and my bunnies. This will never get easier and the emptiness they left behind will never go away.

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

+ I'm not hungry at all whatsoever and it's so frustrating and so annoying having to eat when I'm not hungry. I hate it sm

[Bianca @hojasdearce]

I'm eating rn because I have to take my meds and I need food for them to be absorbed & because if I don't eat now, I can't guarantee that I'll be able to eat later (i can't eat if I'm alone because of my arfid) & then I'll get weak + other symptoms so I'd like to avoid that. But