maya 🪦 irl andrew graves

edtwt || 30 || they/them || Dx EDNOS/ana b/p type || hw 109kg cw 107kg cgw 105kg ugw 45kg || 18+

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

Welcome 💕

ཐི༏ཋྀ Maya
ཐི༏ཋྀ 30 🫥
ཐི༏ཋྀ EDNOS / Ana BP (officially diagnosed)
ཐི༏ཋྀ ED, self harm, & suicidal ideation
ཐི༏ཋྀ Alcoholic & talk about it all the time
ཐི༏ཋྀ Physically disabled (EDS, POTS, gastroparesis, & co.)
ཐི༏ཋྀ 18+ only
ཐི༏ཋྀ My twt is basically a diary for me

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I am going to try and do a ween so I won’t need shots during the two Dallas trips I have this upcoming month. I’m doing 2-3 shots for this week, thats the goal. Next week I’ll go to 1-2 shots. And then week three I’ll do 1-0 shots a night and hopefully be good.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

So I went to my PCP yesterday. I’m anxious because of my daily drinking — I was bad and wasn’t honest about it… I said I have like a drink a night max 🫣 in other news, I asked her to help with my costocondritis and she just said “it’s just treating symptoms…”

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I buy food, then purge til I see stars, walk while drunk, and hope I lose something… just to equal the scale the next day. Sometimes I’ll eat barely anything and purge the food and liquor and still… I’ve been trapped here for weeks. I hate it.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

New tcoaal update got me frustrated :/ at least we got a weird ass little video with it as an apology. I hate the amount of hate tcoaal gets and that it is to the point of legal having to be brought in (for copyright and defense). Ugh.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I ate too much today. At least I’ve been nauseous a lot lately. Maybe I’ll puke too much or not eat a lot. I need to find the bitch I was while my mom was dying again. I got to 191lbs as the sick fucked up grieving person. I need to find that.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

@camiistiredd RIP I get it. It’s the alcohol prob. At least for me

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I posted on an anon app (not whīsper) and someone accused me of being a narcissist. So I’ve been locked into taking a bunch of personality quizzes and crying for a minute (lol love OCD) and while I don’t fit the symptoms, I feel like… idk what if I am? And I just done see it??

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

Anyway I’m just tired.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

@lowcalhighsw I’ve been on it for years. Like.. at least 4 years now, taking the max dose for the last 3 years. But what if it is part of why I can straight not eat for days and still only lose a couple pounds? Idk my brain wants me to eliminate every factor I can ‘control’ 🤦‍♂️

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

The most disappointing thing a therapist can say to me: “You really understand what you’re feeling.”

That means they aren’t /hearing/ me.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

It occurred to me that I am lucky that I was only hospitalised once as a kid for my self harm because I did a great job of intellectualising my mental illness and downplaying the actual weight of what I was feeling.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

My POTS fucking hates me but I need to get this weight off. Sodium chloride can cause water retention and metoprolol can fuck with metabolism. I already had someone at my job comment that I look like I’ve lost weight in my face. Presyncope < losing weight.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

One more post. I found out that metoprolol can slow your metabolism… so, even tho I know it’s bad, have been weening myself from my dose even if it will make my pots so much worse. I also already reduced my SC to 3g or less a day when I’m supposed to take 6-9g.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I once had a massive streak on MFP. I should start that back up ngl. I need to count my calories formally again so I can make myself sick with the intake I’ve had.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I did purge. Idk if it actually helped any. My brain still counts the calories even if I throw them up.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I’m so offended that a whole pint now does what half the bottle did 3 months ago. Fucking rude.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I wanna purge what I just ate for dinner so bad but then I would purge some of my liquor too. Damn.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

Update, I did manage to shower. So there’s that.

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I still need a shower but I am so done with today. I couldn’t find the buttons for the rabbit plushies I’m making and now the storm being ruined by young kids screaming??? Ugh. I just wanna drink

[maya 🪦 irl andrew graves @holdthestormm]

I’m about to get wasted just so I don’t have to think about it