florence

(banner art by @irrttggg) || im funny sometimes

[florence @honkdaddyy]

to all the antis, patches would never choose you over dream and i hope that thought haunts you till the day you die

[Dantes @doaenel]

Scorched Earth.

For as much as I’m willing to unearth things about others and talk about the truth behind the scenes regarding many different creators, I only thought it fair that I open myself to that same scrutiny.

For years, two things about me were true;

1. I was very lonely
2. I responded to every message, across every platform, that I received.

Whether that message was a viewer telling me they enjoyed my content, someone asking for advice, or a girl flirting with me, every message found its response.

Let’s talk about that third point.

Just to serve as a disclaimer, the purpose of this tweet is not only to serve as a way for me to finally lay a lot of things to rest, but also to serve as a warning to others so they don’t repeat the same mistakes that I’ve made in my life.

Let’s begin;

One of the reasons I so fell in love with streaming was because of the attention it would bring.

Going from being the classclown/pseudo loner in high school to finally having attention from others was nothing short of addicting.

Being able to have people that could listen to my jokes, hear my thoughts, and know my story all the while finding out more about who and what it was that made me Dantes was, for me, a feeling unlike any other.

And of course, with what comes from being in any kind of public eye, attention hailed not only from men, but also women.

————— Context ————-

When I first started streaming, I promised myself that the least I could do to repay the people that made me able to do what I did for a living was to respond to all of their messages and inquiries.

Responding to everything lasted for the better part of 3-4 years, and only really stopped after my first Korea trip for the simple reason being that I was just too overloaded.

Every day, thousands of messages would pour in, and trying to be able to respond to them all while also juggling streaming and working out left me with no time for myself.

That’s why, during Korea, I told myself that I’d try to focus more on myself and on a select few people in my life, rather than give all my time to absolutely everyone and leave myself with none.

You have to understand that for me, talking to others became not a thing that I wanted to do, but rather a public service that was expected of me.

Life-long friendships that I had at the time accumulated dust because I would normally be so focused with responding, that I wild rarely, if ever, make any kind of initial communications.

Now, onto the main story.

—————————————-

When attention from women started to come in, I dealt with it as most men would,

With a smile on my face.

You see, for the first time in my life it felt like I was actually being noticed, and I couldn’t help but love the fact that, finally, it felt like I was unlocking a part of my life that for so long had been unexplored.

But, as online interactions go, things soon took a turn for the worse.

I learned the hard way that in life, normally, the amount of people you can trust is a number that can be displayed using only the fingers on one’s own hand.

I started to see that modern day dating was a cesspool of disloyalty, hidden intentions, and half-truths.

After seeing that time and time again I would encounter people that were only talking to me because I was a streamer, lying to me about various things, and trying to interact with me not for me, but rather to gain what I had to offer, it left me with a choice.

- I could either forgo all of it, stick to my grind, and really just forsake that entire scene.

Or

- I could become apart of it.

And, regrettably, I chose wrong.

Now, whereas most people may become heartless and cruel, merely using others and having complete disregard, I thought of another approach.

I would be my (somewhat) authentic self, show who I really am, but never allow myself the opportunity to get tricked or misled by those that could seek to do me harm.

And so, it disgusts me to say, but I did something that, to this day, I wish I didn’t.

I began to play a game.

I would talk to everyone. If they would flirt I would flirt back, but I would never really allow myself to truly get attached to them for fear of the uncertainty that they would bring to my life.

All the while, however, I was still looking for a relationship.

I truly did believe that if I found the right one that I would be able to just turn it off, like a switch, and instead of gating my feelings, allow them to properly flow.

And so, I went through life with a shield made of the resolve that I would know when the right time came to let it rest.

And so, life continued.

I would talk to girls, be charming, act as nicely as possible, and just try to show them all that was capable of being theirs.

And then, when they would make even a single mistake, a wrong word, a weird thought, or an uncomfortable truth being brought to my attention, I would become another man entirely.

Cold, unresponsive, emotionless.

Now, there were most definitely cases where this behaviour was justified (finding out that the girl is talking to multiple streamers, horrible things about their past, and just general shady behaviour)

However, I almost prided myself on the fact that actual, solvable issues just weren’t worthy of working on, and as a result would just cut all contact.

In the majority of cases, I made my intentions and views, especially regarding the fact that I was talking to others clear, however there were some times where, for whatever reason, I didn’t.

This isn’t to say that I ever dated someone and cheated on them, I never would. But rather, without the marking of “being in a relationship” and having official, honorary titles I just did as I pleased since I assumed, especially considering my past experiences, that they would do the same.

Now, after my first relationship is where things really started to go downhill.

Around the timeframe of being cheated on, within the span several months, I dealt with;

1. Someone who I found out was lying about their age (nothing untoward happened until that moment, and then all contact was cut)

2. Someone who I found out lied about everything regarding their past after several weeks of talking.

3. A serial cheater that promised me the world until I found out, after finding her previous partners, that it was all a lie.

And countless others.

As you can most probably tell, my trust was at an all time low.

As a result, I did something I never should’ve done;

I sank further into the ideals that I never truly agreed with, but by this point had made themselves such a staple of my life, and it got even worse.

I resolved within myself that I would become better, more charming, more handsome, more muscular, all in the hopes that the next time I would be wronged they would have an even bigger reason to regret losing what they could’ve had.

And so, things sank even further.

I would stream every day for hours upon hours, but the second I would fulfill all my duties and obligations, I would turn my sights toward what I truly craved.

Not feeling alone.

As a result, I would talk to more girls, sleep around even more, be more charming, and cut contact even faster, all with only one hope in mind.

Not feeling alone.

———————————

And this is why, if you made it this far, I truly hope that even just one of you heeds the words I’m about to say;

If you never feel like you’re enough for yourself, you’ll never feel like you’re enough for others.

People that told me I was enough, I chalked up to just being lies.

People that told me they loved me, I chalked up to just being a fairy tale.

For me, love had lost all meaning.

The only love I truly had was for one thing, and one thing only;

My stream.

Throughout all the ups and downs, when everyone around me would either lie or cheat or steal, the one thing that I knew a would always be there for me, to comfort me and understand me, was my stream.

My community.

My viewers.

And this was the reason why, for so long, I would be able to stream for 12 hours daily.

Because, for as long as the stream was live, and I had my community by my side, I was never alone.

———————————

But, the problem remained.

Even with everything I had, the truth was that the second my stream ended that feeling of loneliness would creep back in.

I thought that the answer was talking to more and more girls, until the day I found the perfect one that could ‘fix me’.

And then, I found her.

—————————-

Along the way, I cut contact with countless others because the truth was that no matter what emotion I might have felt while I was with them, one thing was lacking.

I never felt like I was enough.

No matter the dates I would go on, hotel rooms I’d rent, or feelings that would be shared, it just never felt like, to me, I was enough for them.

This isn’t to say I was the ‘perfect guy’, however.

I would still do things that shame me to this day; having multiple talking stages at the same time, telling them what I knew they wanted to hear, acting more interested than I truly was, at times.

But, I would always justify it in my mind by saying that in the worst case scenario, I never mistreated them, only that I’d treated them too well; and if they got attached, It was on them.

For all of them that might be reading this post right now, all I can truly say is that I am sorry that I did that, and it truly was something that, once I understood it, I felt genuine remorse for.

———————-

The reason why I dated Laura was, among other things, because with her, for the first time, I felt like I was enough for her.

Now, keep in mind that leading up to a week or two before me and her actually made things official I was still talking to others.

During this time, when I was asked after she had appeared on my stream about my connection to her, I would always just avoid the question or offer half truths as to what was going on to try and shy away from the subject.

I didn’t know how to properly end things with the others that I was talking to, and as a result let it drag on until I decided that enough was enough and messaged all of them about the situation I was in with her and that things were going to be serious.

While I may have been horrible loyalty-wise during talking stages, I can honestly say that while we were dating it was the complete opposite.

The switch, for me, flipped, and I was able to put all my focus on one girl instead of many.

A lot of the girls that I had short connections with would always message her, sending her screenshots, and tell her about what an awful individual I was, however she was able to see that in the relationship I wasn’t the man that I was before our commitment, and that I truly did want to better myself, and so she explained to me the reasons why in the past the way that I had acted wasn’t right.

I came to accept that although I never acted with any kind of malicious intent, that what I had done still harmed others, and, for any of them reading, I want to apologize.

The truth behind my breakup/split with Laura is because after months of trying to feel at ease with the only woman who ever made me feel like I was enough, I came to understand something.

I could never feel like I’m enough for someone else, if, in my heart, I do not feel like I’m enough for myself.

And this, dear reader, is the reason why over the last few days, and probably over more to come, that I’m going Scorched Earth and talking about everything.

No more will I pride myself about being an open and honest man if I’m not able to face the uncomfortable reality that I’ve been apart of for so long now.

For those that don’t understand, I don’t blame you.

For those that do understand, I thank you.

And for those that I have hurt, I am genuinely, truly, and deeply sorry.

[florence @honkdaddyy]

they lost. EXPECTED BUT WHY 😭

[florence @honkdaddyy]

MARK MY WORDS THOSE 95% OF PEOPLE ON THE R/WORLDCUP SUB PREDICTIONS ARE GOING TO BE GOING TO BED CRYING TONIGHT

[florence @honkdaddyy]

if australia doesn’t t win this match i’m disowning them

[florence @honkdaddyy]

i literally cannot formulate my thoughts about any of this

[florence @honkdaddyy]

if anyone irl asks me what i think about the situation again i will literally self-combust. like i don’t KNOW. i’m neutral on this until more evidence comes out but at the moment i’m really leaning towards dream due to amanduh’s story falling apart by the second.

[florence @honkdaddyy]

quackity would protect the leaf blower with his life LMAO

[florence @honkdaddyy]

im so traumatised by .@dreamewastaken that despite having them blocked, i still have to do a double take when dream posts

[florence @honkdaddyy]

@DreamTeamAlt keren that's literally just my room in the back tf

[florence @honkdaddyy]

i actively sit in cctv blindspots while studying what the fuck is wrong with me 💀

[florence @honkdaddyy]

@DreamTeamAlt it’s not like he was lying

[florence @honkdaddyy]

since when does dream have a patreon what

[florence @honkdaddyy]

.@dreamwastaken i’m gonna need you to drop your teeth-brushing technique please

[florence @honkdaddyy]

@dreamsmassivepp fr like i want a relationship like theirs 😭

[florence @honkdaddyy]

@dreamsmassivepp fr he’s like a drug or something 😭😭

[florence @honkdaddyy]

stole my friends phone and watched it anyway

[florence @honkdaddyy]

FUCK IM AT SCHOOL I CANT WATCH THE REST

[florence @honkdaddyy]

i’m in the car on my way to school but there’s no way i’m missing this

[florence @honkdaddyy]

HES USING HEATWAVES 😭😭

[florence @honkdaddyy]

@DR4EMI I WILL BE WAITING