Horrible Hogwarts

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Tweet @horridhp to discover your Horrible Hogwarts history today!

(this is the first real twitterbot of @GalaxyKate so expect bugs)

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Drat, Twitter-blocked! I've submitted a plea, so hopefully more Hogwarts histories soon?
(and I'd just added more content, too!)

[Horrible Hogwarts @horridhp]

@wesleyt Your entire Care of Magical Creatures class is imprisoned in Azkhaban, but you escape by playing dead.

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@wesleyt Your lack of bravery leads you to a long-forgotten curse. To your delight, you discover a terrible secret about Cho Chang.

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@wesleyt An American flamingo delivers your Hogwarts letter to the Norwegian Ridgeback farm in Lincolnshire where you live.

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@wesleyt you are Olphus Miltstorm. You were raised by your intellectual godfather, a spy for the Ministry of Magic.

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@uberbaud Years later, you marry a recently-divorced Vincent Crabbe.

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@uberbaud You and Luna Lovegood make out with Ron Weasley. After graduation you work at your mother's thestral farm.

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@uberbaud Cho Chang dares you to kiss the sword of Godric Gryffindor, and you become best friends with Lee Jordan.

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@uberbaud Your wand is narrow, made of whalebone with a core of heartstring of a dragon, just not a very impressive one.

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@uberbaud you are Evera O'Malshire. You are secretly the child of Igor Karkaroff, but nothing changes.

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@uberbaud Years later, you get in an online flamewar with a recently-divorced Justin Finch-Fletchley.

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@uberbaud You graduate with failing grades in Herbology and move back into your ancestral home, a crumbling castle in Hogsmeade.

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@uberbaud To amuse your friends, you touch one of Voldemort's horcruxes. Irreversibly this causes you to fail Charms.

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@uberbaud Like most students, you practice Arithmancy with Colin Creevey and smoke a joint with Lavender Brown.

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@uberbaud Your wand is twisted, made of pine inlaid with mirrors with a core of coffee grounds.

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@uberbaud you are Elphyllis Scour. You are the only surviving descendent of the Bloody Baron, but this makes little difference.

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@NoraReed Eventually, you die in an incident involving the Ministry of Magic that you bought on ebay.

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@NoraReed After graduation you rent a vast and empty mansion above Knockturn Alley and work as the Undersecretary of Cursed Medicine.

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@NoraReed You publish a newsletter and write smutty fanfic, and you discover a terrible secret about Fred Weasley.