Kyle on Twidder

i miss the days when it was okay to wear cargo pants

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

*walking with gf in the mall*
Me: There's a Gap coming up here
Gf: Awesome, I love that store!
*she falls into a huge hole in the ground*

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

If I had asked you before the season what team colors would be in the Big 12 Championship, would you have said double purple? #Big12Championship #HypnoToad

[brent @murrman5]

[giving my son his present on his 16th birthday] usually when people say superior japanese steel they’re referring to a sword but in this case it comes in the form of 2013 Honda Accord

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

Don’t lower your expectations, even if that means you will expect the expectations to be missed

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

Here’s a picture of the mailman delivering the Halloween costume my wife ordered for my daughter - about 2 hours too late, and 364 days until next Halloween

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

Boss: can you handle this?
Me: Absolutely! I’ll give it 111%!
Boss: Kyle. I’m serious. Just say “yes”

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

I can’t eat ramen without chopsticks. I need a fork too, which I’ll use to eat. Chopsticks are so I can pretend I wouldn’t be hungry if I didn’t have a fork

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

Doc office
Me: I was bitten by a wolf
Doc: where?
Me: no, just a regular wolf

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

I took a few years off posting on Instagram, and adding to my story makes me feel like I have the technological prowess of an 85yo #okboomer

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

@ruevoxx I always wondered why there were so many of those at the airport 🤣

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

I’m considering returning to Twidder after a few year hiatus. How has everyone been doing?

[mo @chuuew]

ME: Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I'm sick as a dog.

DOG: [rolls by on skateboard, smoking a pipe] You wish, bro

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

@fro_vo Thanks Frovo!!!
https://t.co/Ww7RwV3JUe
https://t.co/WQOmz3OglZ
https://t.co/iV93uL6PU3

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

I was going to lift weights, but I just took a power nap instead

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

I was going to lift weights, but I just took a power nap instead

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

The Rock is the best movie ever about a guy who gets a haircut after he gets released from prison.

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

So is RT’ing your own tweets an okay thing to do now?

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

ME: and that’s the Pythagorean theorem
TEENS: we don’t get it
ME: *sighs* 🅰️2️⃣➕🅱️2️⃣👍🌊2️⃣
TEENS: now we get it
ME: fucking teens

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

Girl 1: So how did you all meet?
Girl 2: After he did the 4th yo-yo trick, I walked over and gave him my number.
Girl 1: Aww, that’s soooo dreamy... then what happened?
Girl 2: He showed me his Magic: The Gathering collection and I knew he was the one.

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

@AnOrangeSNES Thanks Captain!
https://t.co/WQOmz3OglZ
https://t.co/ksOHhabwRn
https://t.co/vvi0ZoZjja

[Kyle on Twidder @houffy]

If you eat Cheetos, you get little orange bits all over your fingers. The same thing happens to Trump when he runs his hand through his hair.