tucker @wood

Actor / writer / hiker / bicyclist / dog UMF '17, AT '19, ECG ‘21 he/him

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

ME: [using a typewriter to write short jokes then distributing them to my friends hoping they redistribute them] There must be an easier way

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

Leftovers are just dinner sequels

K I’m done with twitter now bye bye

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

I need an authenticator app, 12-step verification, and 45 minutes of googling to delete a Weebly account, meanwhile it takes 2 seconds to summon a random stranger to my doorstep

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

@fangraphs Am I going crazy or did Ben and Meg talk about the Yankees consciously giving Judge a "day off" when they had the day off as a team? Around 38-40 minute mark. They even mention Judge pinch-hitting... I'm just really confused about it haha

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough???

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

i came here to get high and kick ass, and I’m all out of something, forget what

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

@DallasW79396289 @TalkinBaseball_ You’re doing your due diligence letting everyone know it’s “through August” not just August. Can’t believe the number of people here in the comments who don’t realize that haha

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

Oh you like the internet? Name every website

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

“Wow, that’s crazy,” affirms friend who clearly wants your story to continue for several more hours

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

Instagram feed be like:
“Here’s a pic of ur friend! Now 6 ads, 8 reels even tho u hate those (lol!), and 3 pics ur aunt posted last week! Enjoy!!!”

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

[optimistically] well at least nothing matters and we’re all gonna die

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

the longer you say “I gotta go grocery shopping” the more creative your last meals get

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

[getting stoned for the 11th night in a row]

summer is just a really big weekend

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

breaking: supreme court just voted 6-3 to send the earth directly into the sun

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

ah, what a beautiful day for 6 people to decide the fate of humanity

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

feels like politicians have been saying “enough is enough” for a looooooong time now

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

brb gonna go around to all the trees and benches I’ve ever carved my ex girlfriends’ initials into and update them to my current girlfriend

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

oh no, twitter layout has changed. this is the worst and i hate it and also i won’t remember what it used to look like by next month

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

just realized how weird it is to see the words “happy” and “memorial” juxtaposed together on everything today

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

god bless america

[tucker @wood @hubagruben]

have a love/hate relationship with microwaves that take the first number you press and run with it