Hunter Sapp

[michael o @Mikes_Good_Pal]

@EmmanuelAcho that’s how my dad died, impaling himself with a javelin right down the gullet after throwing it straight up and staring at it, while abusing pot

[Hunter Sapp @hunter_sapp]

I’m way too tired to not be able to sleep

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

[Ella😍 @Elladeyforyou]

Me: why does my back hurt all the time?

also me sleeping every night:

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

it’s okay to put pizza in the oven with the cardboard still under it if you’re feeling overwhelmed

[carly. @carly_sapp]

I’m starting a cooking blog! Check it out https://t.co/lmN9uZzqrN !!

[AJ+ @ajplus]

Chile voted to replace its dictatorship-era constitution by 78%.

It follows mass protests over inequality. The new one will be written by elected citizens, not politicians. Supporters hope it boosts:
▪️ education, health, pension
▪️ recognition of Indigenous people

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

every joe biden youtube ad is him grumbling “i’m ah, stuck in here” and a banner that says “donate to help get joe out of the computer!”

[rehana @bhviyan]

boys literally don’t post ANYTHING on social media a guy could be getting married and he’ll only post like the sunset on his story

[Darkk Mane @DarkkManeiac]

There's only one gender, and it's me. Get fucked everybody else.

[Colin Jones @Colin_Throws]

@notCIB I guess he didn't realize that all that red land is emptier than the other side of my bed

[Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji]

White dudes will be like "there he is, the man, the myth, the legend!" And it's just Garrett

[Dime Store Adventures @10CentAdvents]

Doing No Delete December, you gotta find other ways to fix your mistakes besides taking the cowards way out

[Francesca Fiorentini @franifio]

Buttegieg does have a point about the wealthy getting free public services. How many times have you been to the library only to find it full of richies, hogging computers to shop for yachts, flaunting late fees on Ayn Rand hardbacks, and jingling pockets of gold in quiet section?

[srirwacha @sarahnicoleryer]

college boys, after 4 minutes of missionary and no foreplay:

[rocky love @tequilacowgirl]

drunk sorority girls walking into the social like

[Anna Drezen @annadrezen]

They put those mittens on newborn babies’ hands so they don’t try to steal your wallet

[Brodin Plett @brodinplett]

@TLDoublelift I used to play a game where I’d get up and go blind and try to run down the hall. I only woke up on the floor once