Ian Wallace

Hi, My name is Ian! Everything you read here is a joke. I take them seriously so you don't have to.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

In a bizarre hunting accident, an IN man was shot by a dog named Trigger. The hunter will be okay, thanks to a nearby raccoon named Doc.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

New research suggests that fewer teens are texting and driving, because you have to stop when you die in a car crash.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Town of St. George puts on early Christmas for 7-year-old with cancer. Other early events are planned, like Easter, Valentine's & a funeral.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

5 Brits die during whale-watching boat trip off Tofino. Condolences have arrived from the Prince of Wales *and* the Prince of Whales.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Calgary's Mother's Milk bank says demand for donated breast milk is up 50%, likely from all the colicky babies crying about the bike lanes.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

The Toronto region has been hit with record showers this week but female comedians there still don’t feel clean.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Scientists have developed a cure for Down's Syndrome in mice, leaving no one to rip tickets at mouse movie theatres. #nowthatsoffensive

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Doctors warn that ADHD meds can lead to suicidal tendencies, but at least those kids are finally focused on something. #nowthatsoffensive

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Technology firm #Exiii has developed a low-cost bionic hand prosthetic controlled by smartphone, offering amputees a net gain of zero hands.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

@taylorswift13 bought X-rated domains including her name to preempt unsavory uses. But the 'baters gonna 'bate, 'bate, 'bate, 'bate, 'bate.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

The town of Pilger, NE was devastated by a rare Dual Tornado today. On the plus side: Two silver linings!

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Q: What do you call a nigger with only one g? A: Kinda lonely.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

And this year's Academy Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

A rare Giant Squid with 13' tentacles has been caught by a fisherman in Japan. The Squid has already turned down 1B yen to appear in porn.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Lululemon stock dips 14% after announcing recent profits lower than expected, teaching executives the problem with too much transparency.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

A Dublin man who fled after murdering his landlord over a chess game has been found by police 3 blocks from the scene; 2 up and 1 over.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Nelson Mandela has passed away at 95 after a long battle with pretty much everything.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

For sale: baby shoes, never worn. Some water damage. We are mermaids.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

A man was detained today after bringing a "suspicious object" into an airport in Florida. It turned out to be a collared shirt.

[Ian Wallace @ianmakesjokes]

Calgary's rental market is hot, earning record profits for property owners but making it hard for an average Freeman to find a nice embassy.